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#1 Aranka

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Posted 12 April 2008 - 01:44 PM

here goes the first chapter of the tale of the red witch :)



I.

In the distance the sun faded over the horizon, spreading a warm, rosy glow. As it’s last rays touched the landscape and turned the Vormus River into a golden mirror, some leaves rustled on the ground, moved by the wind. In the distance a soft, hummed melody floated through the air, and saturated its surroundings with a hint of mystery. The day faded away and the air grew cooler, a small fire was lit there, in that far off place, casting an orange glow against the darkened sky.
Zoran sneaked up to the magic school’s outer door, carefully watching the ground, as it was scattered with bones and skulls of what once could have been orcs… or men... A cold shiver ran down his spine as he thought of what would await him if he got caught. He halted for a moment, and ran his fingers through his long black hair.
“Concentrate, Zoran, concentrate.” he murmured softly. In a moment of hesitation he reached his hand into the pocket of his leather pants, to ensure his tiger summoning stones were still there.
As he reached the school’s wooden door, his fingertips sought for the door handle, which felt ice-cold when he touched it. The door opened with a hesitating creak.
He entered; his heart was beating like a drum, as he swiftly walked through the rooms, looking for whatever valuables were small and light enough to steal, and would bring him a bit of money to live from.
As he walked deeper into the Magic School, he found in one of the more central rooms a pool with 5 strange blue orbs floating above it, looking as if they were enchanted and made of precious minerals. He stepped forward into the pool, and pulled one of the orbs out of the air, putting it in his bag. Suddenly a voice interrupted him:
“What brings you here, stranger?” someone spoke, and from a shadowy corner a sorceress stepped forward, clearly unexpected, for Zoran was startled. Her gaze was piercing his thoughts when their eyes met, paralyzing him for the moment, for almost everything about her seemed to be in different shades of red; her hair, her eyes, her lips, her dress… all but her skin, that had the colour of creamy milk.
In a haze of slight panic he threw a summoning stone in the water, that bubbled for a moment. The red lady killed the tiger he had summoned as quickly as lightning with powerful harm magic, which awed Zoran with silence.
All the sudden he heard in the distance the sound of footsteps.
He noticed the sorceress was alarmed; it gave a worried expression to her face. She walked around in circles for a moment, murmuring to herself in distress, thinking.
“ Flee! Get out of here!” her voice trembled, and her hands were a bit shaky as she handed him the magical ring she had worn around her finger a moment earlier. Back on his feet and fully aware of the situation, Zoran took the ring from her hand palm, whispering a soft but charming:
“ Thank you, fair lady.”, after which he dissolved into the air with a grin on his face, the dark blue orb still packed in his bag.
Her heart was pounding so loudly at the moment the elder mages opened the door, that she could hardly discern what they said from her own heartbeat, pulsing deafening in her ears.
The lady in red stood there dazed by fear, her senses were weakened, but she clearly felt the hard blow of the Eldest Mage’s words as they sunk into her consciousness.

“Akane, your presence here is no longer wanted. Thievery is a serious crime. Because you are still young, consider yourself lucky to be treated so mildly. We have no wish seeing you here again.” he spoke severely, after which he teleported her out, and left her alone in the cold of night, before the stairs at the entrance of Palon Vertas’ magic school.
A teardrop was rolling down her cheek, in her heart the pain of being rejected and a hint of relief struggled; her body softly shivering from the shock she experienced.
She was free now, but she knew very little of the real life, life outside the magic school…





(hopefully i will have the second chapter ready soon :P)

please feel free to comment/correct me :)

greetings!

Melisande

Edited by Melisande, 14 April 2008 - 05:29 PM.


#2 Acelon

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Posted 12 April 2008 - 06:31 PM

Melisande, you are supposed to pick a story from the story list, not just make one up yourself (You never know if it conflicts with another thing we have planned).

http://www.eternal-l...showtopic=32191

#3 Roja

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Posted 12 April 2008 - 07:04 PM

Acelon, it's ok, she's talked to me about it and is approved to write this :laugh:

#4 Enly

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Posted 12 April 2008 - 07:48 PM

Hey Melisande great work so far! :laugh:

One comment really, you have a nice description of the setting at the beginning and a fairly good description of Akane, but there isn't a lot of description for the magic school. Its always nice to be able to picture the surroundings beyond just a few key items.

I have a question as well, around what time in 'history' do you imagine this story is set?

I enjoyed reading it and can't wait to see what you have planned for the rest of the story :D

Edited by Enly, 12 April 2008 - 07:50 PM.


#5 Aislinn

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Posted 12 April 2008 - 11:31 PM

Great start Melisande, I can't wait to read more about Akane! The Red Witch's Cave is one of my favorite places. :) (I always imagined myself the red witch :confused: and your topic title caught my eye right away :) )

#6 The_Piper

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Posted 13 April 2008 - 12:10 AM

(I always imagined myself the red witch :confused: and your topic title caught my eye right away :) )


Lol, SCNR, but i have to post. Do you remember when you banned the name BrujaRoja, because it was too close to Roja's name? Thats where it finally leads to, lol: http://www.labrujaroja.com/ :)

But now on topic: Nice story, Melisande, but please use more paragraphs/blank lines to make it easier to read.

The story itself, i love it, please post the 2nd chapter ASAP!

:)

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#7 Enly

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Posted 13 April 2008 - 12:14 AM

but please use more paragraphs/blank lines to make it easier to read.

In her defense, indents don't copy to the forums, and it can be really annoying to go through and put in an extra return for every paragraph :) (I know from experience).

A final draft should have proper paragraphs separation, but sometimes its just easier not to deal with it until later :confused:

#8 The_Piper

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Posted 13 April 2008 - 12:20 AM

A final draft should have proper paragraphs separation, but sometimes its just easier not to deal with it until later :confused:


Agreed, but it makes it even easier to read, if a story contains some paragraphs before the final draft :)

Piper

#9 peino

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Posted 13 April 2008 - 03:06 AM

Terrific start, Melisande, good and dramatic. I agree with Enly that, in a later draft, I'd like to see more detail of the setting. I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit jealous of the Red Witch, as I cast a different person in the role as my character's relative in my first story about Peino. :confused:

#10 Aranka

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Posted 14 April 2008 - 05:37 PM

ok thanks for the commenting :rolleyes:

-i will make sure to find a way to make the text easier to read; and add more description of the magic school
- about the time in history of this story; i made the story outlines as vague as possible so it can fit in pretty easily :pickaxe:
- about the next chapter: i honestly have no idea when it will be finished; Roja had to wait pretty long for the small piece of text posted above :pickaxe:

thanks for your patience and help :pickaxe:

greetings

#11 Aranka

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Posted 18 July 2008 - 03:48 PM

I added some parts to what i previously posted; and atm i'm still writing on the middle part of the story, the ending is +- done as well :laugh:

- my apologies for being so slow.. i underestimated the difficulty of writing lol :P

(edited the text font, thought this would be easier to read)

.:~*~:.


In the distance the sun faded over the horizon, spreading a warm, rosy glow. As its last rays touched the landscape and turned the Vormus River into a golden mirror, some leaves rustled on the ground, moved by the wind. In the distance a soft, hummed melody floated through the air, and saturated its surroundings with a hint of mystery. The day faded away and the air grew cooler, a small fire was lit there, in that far off place, casting an orange glow against the darkened sky.

Zoran sneaked up to the magic school’s outer door, carefully watching the ground, as it was scattered with bones and skulls of what once could have been orcs… or men... A cold shiver ran down his spine as he thought of what would await him if he got caught. He halted for a moment, and ran his fingers through his long black hair.

“Concentrate, Zoran, concentrate.” he murmured softly. In a moment of hesitation he reached his hand into the pocket of his leather pants, to ensure his tiger summoning stones were still there.

As he reached the school’s wooden door, his fingertips sought for the door handle, which felt ice-cold when he touched it. The door opened with a hesitating creak.
He entered; his heart was beating like a drum as he swiftly walked through the first room, looking for whatever valuables were small and light enough to steal, and would bring him a bit of money to live from. He was quenched a bit for there seemed to be 3 mages waiting for him, but with a closer look he could tell they were statues, each one of them sparkling a different colour from their hands. He walked further in; the floors often consisted of gray-white tiles, in which were carved dark, long patterns that carried on through the hallways.

When he walked deeper into the Magic School, he found in one of the more central rooms a pool with 5 strange blue orbs floating above it, looking as if they were enchanted and made of precious minerals. He stepped forward into the pool, and pulled one of the orbs out of the air, putting it in his bag. Suddenly a deep female voice interrupted him:

“What brings you here, stranger?” someone spoke, and from a shadowy corner a sorceress stepped forward, clearly unexpected, for Zoran was startled. Her gaze was piercing his thoughts when their eyes met, paralyzing him for the moment, for almost everything about her seemed to be in different shades of red; her hair, her eyes, her lips, her dress… all but her skin, that had the colour of creamy milk.

In a haze of slight panic he threw a summoning stone in the water, which bubbled for a moment. The red lady killed the tiger he had summoned as quickly as lightning with powerful harm magic, which awed Zoran with silence.

All the sudden he heard in the distance the sound of footsteps.
He noticed the sorceress was alarmed; it gave a worried expression to her face. She walked around in circles for a moment, murmuring to herself in distress, thinking.

“ Flee! Get out of here!” her voice trembled, and her hands were a bit shaky as she handed him the magical ring she had worn around her finger a moment earlier. Back on his feet and fully aware of the situation, Zoran took the ring from her hand palm, whispering a soft but charming:
“ Thank you, fair lady.”, after which he dissolved into the air with a grin on his face, the dark blue orb still packed in his bag.

Her heart was pounding so loudly at the moment the elder mages opened the door, that she could hardly discern what they said from her own heartbeat, pulsing deafening in her ears.
The lady in red stood there dazed by fear, her senses were weakened, but she clearly felt the hard blow of the Eldest Mage’s words as they sunk into her consciousness.

“Akane, your presence here is no longer wanted. Thievery is a serious crime. Because you are still young, consider yourself lucky to be treated so mildly. We have no wish seeing you here again.” he spoke severely, after which he teleported her out, and left her alone in the cold of night, before the stairs at the entrance of Palon Vertas’ magic school.
A teardrop was rolling down her cheek, in her heart the pain of being rejected and a hint of relief struggled; her body softly shivering from the shock she experienced.

She was free now, but she knew very little of the real life, life outside the magic school…





.:~*~:.


While her thoughts calmed down, her eyes grew weary; the panic had kept her awake all night. She had little will left to fight the sleep that pulled her head down and made it rest on her knees as she wrapped her arms around them. The feeling of consciousness faded away, the cold and dirty stones on which she stranded became temporarily unimportant as well as what she would do to solve her problems.

The waking up at noon turned out to be quite a bitter affair; her muscles were stiffened from sitting in the same position for a long time, her hair was ruffled to the point where she looked like a madman; the red dress she wore was stained with dirt at the bottom of the seams, beyond repair it seemed.

Her frown disappeared slowly as she figured out the shape she saw, sitting a few steps higher than her. The small falcon tripped back and forth as Akane reached for it with her hand and whispered on a soft, friendly tone:
“Shhh.. don’t be afraid little friend, look at me..”.

The bird made a quick eye contact and with that little gaze of its black eye, the falcon fell under her spell, as summons could easily be commanded this way by those that were familiar with the summoning lore. As she took the bird in her hands, she discovered a small leather case tied to its leg, containing a note. Akane reached for the small leather strap and retrieved a small parchment note from the falcon, after which she put the animal on her shoulder, as its sharp claws left little wounds on her hands. Her red lips curled into a smile when she managed to decipher the scrawled name by which it was signed.
‘Zoran’.

Despite all the misery she encountered so far, this ‘stranger’ had a way of making her smile; she had seen him a number of times before, exploring the insides of Palon Vertas’ magic school at night, like a thief. Somehow he managed to stay unnoticed then, but something inside her that night had spurred her to intervene. There was something about the way he moved, the way he looked that made her smile a bit; he was a bandit, but not a bad person. Although she had no certainties, she clearly felt it that night. Somewhat capricious of nature maybe, but in his eyes she saw kindness…




.:~*~:.


The outer wooden door of Palon Vertas’ small tavern was a bit rough to open. When Akane entered and asked for the room Zoran arranged for her, the innkeeper muttered a bit as she walked from behind the bar and showed Akane the way to a tiny dusty room, where she could sleep. In a grumpy manner the lady closed the door behind her and left Akane alone in her new accommodation. With an awkward feeling she lay on one of the beds, re-reading the small note Zoran had left her, looking for any further specifications. After reading it the third time, she sighed and cleaned the dusty little window with her hand, staring outside in an idly way.

She didn’t stay long inside; it was a dark and somewhat mouldy... The tavern itself was very small, only one table stood in the middle of a tiny room.
She walked outside and wondered how long it had been since she actually set foot outside the magic school. She never thought Palon Vertas was such a beautiful place, green and full of flowers. From the magic school’s balcony she had only seen some scorched, withered trees and stone walls from the small cave passage to Palon Vertas’ itself; the magic school was situated near the borders of both Sedicolis and Idaloran. At night the trees gave a ghostly ambience, as if the small forest were possessed of some magical force.

The magic school was a beautiful place, built in the mountains. A thick stone wall surrounding it gave the impression it was a fortress; two watchtowers were present as well. The long stairs leading to the door kept some of the heat off, for two puddles of lava lay aside it, however it seemed they needed a rebuild from time to time…

After finding a nice, soft spot of grass near a flower bed, she sat down and ran her fingers trough her long, fiery red hair, soft but strong, in order to bring it back in a socially acceptable hairdo. Akane found a peaceful little place by the river, where a vast willow’s branches swept along with the current of the water, and where a small bridge made of white stones crossed the water that divided Palon Vertas in two halves. She hung her head over the water and laughed at her appearance:
“ What a mess!” she said to herself.

After washing her hair and face, she closed her eyes and felt the sun warming her face, enjoying the soft wind that carried a hint of salt in it.
‘ A sea breeze…’ she thought lazily.

As she dozed off a bit, she noticed a cloud must have crawled before the sun for she couldn’t feel its warmth anymore. Disappointed she opened her eyes, and as they adjusted to their bright environment she could see a tall figure standing over her. It was hard to see his face… because the sun surrounded him with a bright aura, his features were difficult for Akane to discern, yet she smiled gently for she couldn’t imagine who else it could be but him…

Edited by Melisande, 18 July 2008 - 07:35 PM.


#12 poppeke

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Posted 19 July 2008 - 08:59 AM

I really like your story Melisande. And I can't wait for the rest. Please continue. I enjoyed it very much. Thanks!

#13 Aranka

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Posted 21 August 2008 - 04:16 PM

.:~*~:.


“Where do we go from here?” Akane asked, after they had been sitting quietly next to each other for an hour or two.
Zoran sighed softly, for he knew his way of life was not a ‘good’ one, he had no back-up plans and nowhere to run should something happen… just like her he was a bit lost in this world, left behind to find his own way, no help and no guidance… his deep blue eyes turned away from her and wandered off in the distance.
“Well I’m not sure..” he replied, and waited a bit as he stole a glance at her. She was stroking the border of her boots, running her fingers along the texture of what once must have been a delicate decoration in the leather.
“I feel bad leaving you here on your own…”
Akane turned her head and looked at him, waiting for him to say something more.
“I can take care of myself you know… ” she said softly, somewhat uncertain, with her face turned to the other side again.

Zoran felt deeply guilty for the trouble Akane had gotten over her, knowing all too well the real reason that caused it was not her will to help others, but his life of thievery and small inventive thefts. He tried to repress his thoughts by staring at the fading sun, surrounded by red lit clouds.

“Night is coming…” she murmured, and as the air grew cooler the coldness started to numb her body, shivering.
Zoran was lost in staring at the horizon of a fading day, taking a moment to regain awareness and reply to Akane’s words:
“The room I got you…”
“What about it?” she asked when he halted.
“Is it comfortable?”
“I can’t complain..” she replied unconvinced, trying to hide the somewhat sad tone in her voice.
Zoran stood up and looked at her, and saw what poor state she was in, despite her effort to keep her head up.
“Listen Akane,” he said firmly. Akane startled a bit and looked up at him, seeing the strange yet warm expression in his eyes.
“Give me a few more days, and I will make this up to you.”
“But...”
“Please.” he insisted,
“Until then Palon Vertas’ tavern is a safe haven for you. It may not be a great place to stay, I’m well aware of that, but for now I cannot offer anything more… I hope you can forgive me.” Zoran’s face turned away quickly, which caused his long, bound hair to make a small wave before he left Akane where she sat, and ran in a fast pace to a forest nearby. Akane hardly had the time to realise what happened; Zoran’s shadow had already dissolved in the forest’s darkness.


.:~*~:.



It was not what Zoran said that woke some hope in Akane; her old life was gone for good and she knew that, but it was the way he said it… his eyes carried a great burden, intensity that she had never seen before…
Akane walked back to the small tavern in wonder, unable to stop her mind from making the ridiculous theory that Zoran was hiding things from her…

With an uneasy feeling she entered the tavern and found it empty, except for the innkeeper in the kitchen, who was swearing and yelling when she dropped a cooking pan on the floor.
“Do you need anything?” muttered the innkeeper in an annoyed way, standing in the kitchen door.
“Something to eat please,” Akane said, “ and some wine as well.”
“I’ll see to it, lady.”
A few moments later she tottered back to Akane’s table, and planted a large dish with some stew on it, in front of Akane, followed by the can of wine.
“I’m lucky to get my dinner still on its plate…” she thought sarcastically.
Despite the way it was served, the meal was well prepared and refined with some garden herbs, which was a common thing to do in the kitchen of this region. The meal was simple and good, and so was the wine.

Akane left her plate and cup empty on the table, and headed for her room.
She lit the small candle that was placed on her bedtable, and shook the dust out of her bedsheets, after which she undressed and crawled into bed in her undergarments.
Her body was tired and longed for a good night’s rest, her eyes protested against the light that the small candle spread in her room, yet she couldn’t find rest in her mind, grinding questions and thoughts kept her from sleeping for several hours to come.



- no comments were made last time so i didn't post the previous part again (as no adaptation was needed?)

feel free to give comments :P

greetings

Edited by Melisande, 21 August 2008 - 04:24 PM.


#14 Acelon

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Posted 21 August 2008 - 07:53 PM

Looks good so far :P

Only thing I noticed for my first look-over was this line..

"“I can’t complain..” she replied unconvinced"

using unconvinced sounds like Akane would be unconvinced of something, not Zoran. It would have to be unconvincingly in this case.

#15 Enly

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Posted 21 August 2008 - 09:30 PM

wow, looks really good melisande :) You have a lot of nice description, really paints a picture of the story for the reader, very nice.

I don't see anything wrong with it aside from a punctuation error here and there, and what ace pointed out.

Can't wait to read more :P

#16 Roja

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Posted 24 August 2008 - 06:55 PM

Hi Melisande, I apologize for not replying sooner! The story is coming out really good so far :)

You don't need to modify the font, I think the normal one is easier to read, probably just because it's what we're used to seeing :)

Anyway here is a small critique, I didn't have time for much more:


been orcs… or men... A cold shiver ran down his spine as he thought of what would await him if he got caught. He halted for a moment, and ran his fingers through his long black hair.


I think using a hyphen here would be correct. About using ellipses(the dots ...), if it's in the middle of a sentence use 3, if it's at the end of the sentence use 4(the 4th one being the period of the sentence).
In the last sentence you do not need a comma before the and in this case.



that she could hardly discern what they said from her own heartbeat, pulsing deafening in her ears.


the pulse deafening would be better.


Akane walked back to the small tavern in wonder, unable to stop her mind from making the ridiculous theory that Zoran was hiding things from her…


It wouldn't be a ridiculous theory at all, but one quite normal for someone she just met.

“I’m lucky to get my dinner still on its plate…” she thought sarcastically.


Don't put thoughts in quotation marks.

#17 Aranka

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Posted 20 September 2008 - 01:31 PM

ok I made the edits to the parts that were previously commented (thought better not to re-post everything so that the thread would not grow way too long for no good reason - maybe its better for me to repost the 'good version' as a whole in the end) :)

this is the new part, please leave comments so i know what needs adjusting or re-thinking :)



.:~*~:.



Good gods, what are you doing?! he heard himself think when he stood before the entrance of the little building across the other side of the Vormus river, where the magic school hid a series of rather valuable supplies. Doubts crept into his thinking as the crucial moment came closer and closer.
- If you pull this off… you will never have to worry about money again….
This goes a little beyond my habit of taking only what I really need and what others can miss.....


Zoran entered the small building, a cave carved out of rocks, consisting of one single room with some old bookshelves, and felt a strange atmosphere inside it. He walked past a fountain, which held a statue in the middle, and saw many little gold coins spread over the mosaïque at the bottom, most of them rusted. Walking further in, he halted before a shelf that displayed several magical crowns, whose power seemed to light up the room a little. He opened his bag and put his leather gloves on, but hesitated….

- If they needed these… why would they keep them so far away from their main training building?
The longer he waited, the more doubt played tricks on his mind, as his thoughts got caught in a push and pull game.
- They aren’t that unique items… look how many there are here, and how poorly they are secured. If they were so valuable to those mages, they would certainly be looked after better than this…

He turned his face to the ground and for a moment he seriously considered the consequences of his deeds. If he would steal these items, his life would change for good….
I could take only one or two… and leave the rest…. One or two would be enough….
- That is all it takes to start a completely new life…. In a different place, with the right means and the will to change, you really can become a different person…. It’s possible to escape your fate Zoran…, but you must grasp this chance while you still can….

Zoran sighed as he knew the decision he was about to make would determine the course of his further life; afraid of the life he embarked upon.
At what cost must you refuse the chance to alter your own destiny? How much damage can you create in order to ensure your own happiness?
- You cannot solve the problems of the world by doing this, but you can solve your own to start with… and stealing these items will hardly harm anything or anyone but the magic school’s pride, if they even notice at all.


Zoran’s mind was full of tormenting questions; despite the fact that the magical items and the jewellery stored here was poorly protected and multiple times present, the atmosphere that befell him as strange earlier, grew darker as he waited and stalled the moment of truth.
- Besides… you owe Her a debt too….
“I will do this…” he said to himself, whispering,
“But only so I will never have to do it again.”

The air in the room thickened and grew heavy as he pulled the first crown of life from the bookrack. His hand tingled and itched softly as he pierced the glittering curtain that hung around the bookshelf, coming from the combined energy of the crowns. Some of the sparkling faded each time one of the magical crowns was pulled from their rack.

Soon Zoran’s hands began to tremble as the light inside the room had sharply faded and his eyes just seemed to refuse to adapt to the darkness that hung around him. Quickly he pulled out another crown, and hastily made his way to the entrance door, barely visible across the other side of the room, where he was standing.

He felt a great relief when the cool nightly air brushed his face and made his breath damp around him. He shut the door quickly, as if he were afraid that strange feeling would escape from it and chase him. Zoran ran his fingers through his hair, and slowly started to realise exactly what happened, for doubt and anxiety blurred his thinking earlier.

Carefully he opened his leather bag again, and a soft, lightly warming glow escaped from it. Zoran grinned as his eyes scanned the 3 crowns, decorated with precious stones and crafted out of solid gold or silver.
Comforted by the thought of a better life, he walked back to the forest at Palon Vertas’ mountain border and wandered off into the night.

Edited by Aranka, 21 September 2008 - 10:01 AM.


#18 Roja

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Posted 20 September 2008 - 03:28 PM

Hi got a name change I see :) Story is coming along well, here's my critique:


Zoran sighed as he knew the decision he was about to make would determine the course of his further life; afraid of the life he embarked upon.


This sentence needs to be reworded a little, also the end part really does not work correctly so i'd just remove it or reword it somehow.:

Zoran sighed as he knew the decision he was about to make would further determine the course of his life.


I very much like the turmoil you have going on inside Zoran as he decides whether to go through with stealing the items or not. But what is lacking is the side that is telling him NOT to do it.
Now from what I see you have just 1 sentence saying not to,
"This goes a little beyond my habit of taking only what I really need and what others can miss....."

and is this one possibly one too? If so you'll need to reword it a bit better because it's not clear on that,

"At what cost must you refuse the chance to alter your own destiny? How much damage can you create in order to ensure your own happiness?"

And if it is not I think you should change it to be so, so that there will be more "turmoil balance" so to speak :)


Lastly, how did Zoran enter so easily? If he did it then the place would have been raided long ago :)

#19 Aranka

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 09:05 PM

I expanded and rewrote the last chapter a bit; taking in account the critiques that were mentioned
- i hope this 'fits' better :)



.:~*~:.
Good gods, what are you doing?! he heard himself think when he stood before the entrance of the little building across the other side of the Vormus river, where the magic school hid a series of rather valuable supplies. Doubts crept into his thinking as the crucial moment came closer and closer.
- If you pull this off… you will never have to worry about money again….
This goes a little beyond my habit of taking only what I really need and what others can miss..... It could turn out to become a too big theft for a small thief like me…


As Zoran put on the magically protected leather gloves he carried with him, he felt a small sensation creeping into his body, sharpening his senses and awareness. He had heard of many small thieves, people just like him, trying to break into this small supply room. Many of them didn’t get further than the small lock that was placed on the entrance door. It was said that those who dared to touch it without the Gods’ protection would lose their hand as a punishment and mark of their crime.
Zoran’s hands were a bit shaky as he placed the picklock into the keyhole, carefully listening to the sound of the metal bars unlatching, which held the door closed. Once in a while he felt some of the heat that escaped from the lock go through his gloves which caused him to halt.
After a lot of trial and error, he discerned a loud ‘click’ inside the wooden door’s lock.
- So far, so good…he thought, as he sighed softly .

After drinking some invisibility potions, Zoran entered the small building; a cave carved inside of the mountain’s rocks, consisting of one single room with some old bookshelves. While walking further in he felt a strange atmosphere inside it.
People often told tales that the Elder mages of the magic school had cast a curse on this place, and with it cursing every stranger that laid a finger on their relics. Somehow those people never seemed to know what kind of curse it would be, or what happened to those that had trespassed there earlier.
- Complete nonsense of course… Those who don't venture, don't win.

He walked past a fountain, which held a statue in the middle, and saw many little gold coins spread over the mosaïque at the bottom, most of them rusted. Walking further in, he halted before a shelf that displayed several magical crowns, whose power seemed to light up the room a little. He opened his bag and put his leather gloves on, but hesitated….
- If they needed these… why would they keep them so far away from their main training building?
It could be just a temporary storage, the books look pretty dusty but not a single speck on the jewellery rack… The jewels are pretty new it would seem…


The longer he waited, the more doubt played tricks on his mind, as his thoughts got caught in a push and pull game.
- The items aren’t that unique … look how many there are here, and how poorly they are secured. If they were so valuable to those mages, they would certainly be looked after better than this…
It’s just not right to place such a weak protection… Something must be wrong…

He turned his face to the ground and for a moment he seriously considered the consequences of his deeds. If he would steal these items, his life would change for good… But in what way?
I could take only one or two… and leave the rest…. One or two would be enough…
- That is all it takes to start a completely new life…. In a different place, with the right means and the will to change, you really can become a different person…. It’s possible to escape your fate Zoran…, but you must grasp this chance while you still can….
Zoran sighed as he knew the decision he was about to make weighed heavy on his conscience.
- You cannot solve the problems of the world by doing this, but you can solve your own to start with… and stealing these items will hardly harm anything or anyone but the magic school’s pride, if they even notice at all.

His mind was full of tormenting questions; despite the fact that the magical items and the jewellery stored here was poorly protected and multiple times present, the atmosphere that befell him as strange earlier, grew darker as he waited and stalled the moment of truth.
- Besides… you owe Her a debt too….
“I will do this…” he said to himself, whispering,
“But only so I will never have to do it again.”

The air in the room thickened and grew heavy as he pulled the first crown of life from the bookrack. His hand tingled and itched softly as he pierced the glittering curtain that hung around the bookshelf, coming from the combined energy of the crowns. Some of the sparkling faded each time one of the magical crowns was pulled from their rack.
Soon Zoran’s hands began to tremble as the light inside the room had sharply faded and his eyes just seemed to refuse to adapt to the darkness that hung around him.
Quickly he pulled out one last crown, and hastily made his way to the entrance door, which was barely visible across the other side of the room where he was standing.

Along side of the entrance door a soft shimmering glow welled up and cast a dark atmosphere as a large skeleton became visible, behind it blue crystals casting the sudden light. A voice arose and spoke sternly, as if from a distance:
“ There are those who steal of need and those who steal of greed…
Ask yourself stranger, which of those you are…”
the voice halted for a moment. Zoran was struck with awe and felt his body changing into lead; paralysed with sudden fear. In his head he heard the echoes of the voice that just spoke to him; pounding like a hammer :
‘ Ask yourself stranger…’
‘Ask yourself… Stranger…’

In the aftermath of fading echoes, the air in the room was pulsing, creating a gloomy yet magical athmosphere.
“ In the end, all are united beneath the same sky, yet only you can decide when your time will come….
May the Gods be with you.”


Zoran trembled as every muscle in his body refused to obey. His face became pale and his eyes widened; feeling like an animal staring into the face of death. The air around him became thick and hot, making it hard for him to breathe. With the power he had left in his arms and hands, Zoran tightened his grip around the leather bag in which he carried the crowns, almost paralyzed.
His bag became heavier as he tried to make his way out. It seemed as if every present element tried to prevent him from making a terrible mistake, yet Zoran fought for all he could, feeling exhausted and gasping for air as he pulled the door open and set eyes upon the outer world. Just as the door opened on a quarter, a ray of dim moonlight lit up a dusty inscription in the floor at the exit.

‘He who leaves this room without thinking twice about what he takes
Shall leave his second chance at life behind.’


His bag dragged on the ground, weighing tons and tons as Zoran pushed the door open widely and pulled at the leather bag, which was almost tearing, with all his force. The bag was almost fully outside as the dazed feeling that befell him earlier started to wear off.
A second chance at life… What does that mean?
- It’s just a text to scare thieves off, as the voice you heard inside was just an illusion created by the mages.

He who leaves this room without thinking twice about what he takes
Shall leave his second chance at life behind…


Zoran murmured to himself as he gave one last pull.
The sturdy leather bag tore under the tension and magical resistance that held it back. Zoran fell over and witnessed how one of the crowns rolled back inside, followed by the deafening sound of the entrance door being slammed and an aggressive screeching of the metal lock.
The door had locked itself in a most unexpected fashion, leaving Zoran outside, bewildered, with around him the two remaining crowns that rolled out of the torn leather bag.




it would be nice if i got some comments and tips again
- i do my best to write 'quicker' but i must add that i am in a far busier schedule with school than i originally tought i would be,

greetings,

Aranka

Edited by Aranka, 04 November 2008 - 04:34 PM.


#20 Roja

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Posted 03 November 2008 - 09:47 PM

This sounds great, much better! Here's my critique:

Zoran’s hands were a bit shaky as he entered the picklock into the keyhole,


Use placed or put, entered isn't correct in this context.


carefully listening to the sound of the unlatching metal bars


I'd put unlatching after metal bars here, will sound better.


Once in a while he felt some of the heat that escaped from the lock, going through his gloves, causing him to halt.


Needs to be reworded a bit(the commas aren't correct here):

Once in a while he felt some of the heat that escaped from the lock go through his gloves which caused him to halt.


a cave carved inside of the mountain’s rocks, consisting of one single room with some old bookshelves, and felt a strange atmosphere inside it.


The last part here doesn't work in the sentence. You can make it a new one:

a cave carved inside of the mountain’s rocks, consisting of one single room with some old bookshelves. He felt a strange atmosphere inside it.


- They aren’t that unique items…


Change to:
The items aren't that unique

which was barely visible across the other side of the room, where he was standing.


Remove this comma.


From aside the entrance door a soft shimmering glow welled up


I don't think aside is used correctly here(it's an adverb), "along side of" would sound better.

Ask yourself stranger, which of both you are…”


the both here sounds like it includes both but that wouldn't work. So I'd just say "which you are" or "which of those you are"

he felt like a dear caught in headlights.


deer
also, this is medieval times..lol no headlights are around :) Perhaps you can use a different word instead though..like torch light, lamp light?




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