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Danger? Don't be 'daft!


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#1 Aphistolas

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Posted 20 November 2007 - 06:38 PM

Thanks for reviewing all

Edited by Aphistolas, 02 February 2008 - 05:03 PM.


#2 Aphistolas

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Posted 02 December 2007 - 01:39 PM

:)

Edited by Aphistolas, 02 February 2008 - 05:02 PM.


#3 Aphistolas

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Posted 02 December 2007 - 03:05 PM

I'll catch up with this, I think I'll try to edit it in the first post :)

Edited by Aphistolas, 02 February 2008 - 05:02 PM.


#4 Corlith

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Posted 02 December 2007 - 05:48 PM

(( Hey, me likes! :D Hope it's ok that I post here. Well written and once I got into it, the story held me captive. You can present portraits and build up tension with only a few words, impressive as I like short and to-the-point descriptions. My only opinion otherwise is that I like larger paragraphs instead of so many line spaces in the text, but that's just me. Keep it up! ))

#5 sywren

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Posted 03 December 2007 - 07:37 PM

Aph, it's charming! I hope it doesn't end there. It's nice to see a teenager as the protagonist since so many of these stories are about adults.

Your character development through Aphistolas' interaction with the nanny is great. I immediately liked the character and wanted to see some of the trouble he would get into. It's too bad he never gets back home because I'd love to see a long series of little adventures (think Tom Sawyer) in which he always returns home to a nanny who scolds. But that's the direction I would take it and you're doing a fine job on your own.

Chapter 1 repeats through the thread, so you might want to edit that out.

Let me know in PMs if you want any punctuation editing help.

I can't wait to see what happens next!

Edited by sygon, 03 December 2007 - 07:38 PM.


#6 Aphistolas

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Posted 08 December 2007 - 05:50 PM

Meh.

Edited by Aphistolas, 02 February 2008 - 05:01 PM.


#7 Enly

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Posted 06 January 2008 - 10:21 PM

Interesting story aphis :D

I'd suggest reading through it to check for grammar or punctuation mistakes, and also make sure you know exactly what a word means when you use it, sometimes it doesn't make sense and I think you used the wrong word.

I think some more descriptions of surroundings would liven up the story a bit more :) You do have a few places where you describe the surroundings... but there is this thing in writing called 'show, don't tell' showing is explaining with more action than just saying he was in a room where the floor and ceiling was made of dark wood, its more like explaining how he got up and bumped his head on the dark wood ceiling, or something like... that was just a quick thought up example :P

#8 Aphistolas

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Posted 10 January 2008 - 08:11 PM

Thanks very much Enly, I doubt I'll continue this now... Consistency and all that in great demand.

Ed: I think I'll regress a few chapters, seriously bored with where this story is headed at the moment.

Edited by Aphistolas, 14 January 2008 - 05:54 PM.





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