Legacy

[Storm_Shadow]

Legacy Written by Storm_Shadow aka Richard Haas........

Prologue...In a land where there was no war for a thousand years, there was born to the king two children. The first, a son and heir to the throne. The second, was a daughter. Both were granted special gifts from the gods. The boy, who was named Typherius, was given the power to control the elements without restriction and use them at will unmoderated. The daughter, however, was granted the ability to influence the thoughts of others with the exception of only her brother. She was later named Bridged. The king had set up sub-divisions of his kingdom for each of his children to grow up in and eventually inherit. Typherius, was raised in the southern portion of the kingdom, where the fires were plenty and dragons numerous. His castle, was guarded by the dragon "Ephesia", who could breathe fire or ice, the only dragon capable of this. The region was called Billana. Bridged,was to grow up in the extreme north. Her region, Astrolix, was infested with basilisks. Her temple was guarded by such a basilisk, called "Aphellia". Aphellia was special because she could control water sources nearby and manipulate them at will. The king assigned each guardian beast to their perspective child, and the creatures would obey only their masters. The middle kingdom, which still belonged to the king, was called Draginia. This is where all mortals originated. Unfortunately, the most powerful sorceror of all time, Aphron, also lived there. Aphron was the head advisor and personal "protector" to the king.

.......Ten years later.......

It was on a cold winter day. Snow lay upon the ground, covered in the blood of mortal men. The people ofthe western continent had come, and they slain the people of the village Milash. The men laid dead in their beds, and the women lay desacrated beside their husbands. The blood of children was upon them. Only one, a small child, escaped the slaughter. Running through the woods, he was terrified for his life. But he knew in his heart that his uncle, Typherius, could protect him. Back at the village, the general of the attaking army was addressing his men..."Wheres the boy? We must not allow him to escape!!" One soldier replied, "I don't know sir. Perhaps his body was destroyed in the blaze. No way anything survived." And the general responded, "Let us hope for your sake, Ophellian, that you're right." Seiko was a ruthless general, and his sargeants feared to fail him because of the penalty usually associated with failure. Just then, his master appeared...."Great Josophine, all-powerful daughter of Aphron, to what do I owe this honor?" "There will be a quick victory for you, followed by seven years of war. The one whose family you have betrayed will come, and you will die by innocent hands." With that she vanished. Meanwhile, in the south, the boy who had run so hard was approaching his uncle's palace. The guard didn't recognize him, as he was dirty from the run. "Stop! Only royalty may enter here, under penalty of death!" He drew out his sword, ready to slay the boy. Drago kneeled and replied, "I am Drago, nephew of Typherius and the only son of Bridged of the North. I demand my uncles audience immediately! If you don't believe me, look to my back for proof."

The distinct tatoo of the royal seal was obvious, and the guard escorted him in. "Sire, your nephew to see you." "My nephew, to what tradgedy has brought you this far from your home?" The question was filled with worry. "The homeland has been invaded. My village, its gone and we are the only ones left in our line.

Typherius was furious, "Ascemble my armies, get the dragon Ephesia suited up for battle immediately!"

"Yes sir!" As the army of Typherius marched across the once untainted homelands, they killed their enemies and took no prisoners. And they were at the city gates of the capital. Drago had, however, snuck in the night before. And as the battle raged, there was much noise and the King's murderer was upon the throne he stole calling for a swift end to this "ruckus". Just as he asked the question, Drago's voice could be heard, "As you wish, majesty." Then the inner walls of the throne room collapsed with an explosion, followed by a breath of fire, consuming the guards in the room instantly. Then, Drago approached the man, who he recognized as his father's general. He said, "Forgive me father, for I will sin. For the one called Seiko, I will deliver the just reward he so deserves." The dagger felt warm going into the stomach of the ill-prepared man. And as his blood ran into his hands, he could feel the shockwave travelling up his arm and into his heart. "Its over," he said, and sat down on his throne. "The war is over."

*******THE END*********

[Enly]

There, as promised Storm, I read it

 

I do like it its good, Personally I enjoy longer stories, but I like the imagination behind this, I'd love to see it turned into something bigger with more detail and explanation, some parts don't make complete sense. I had to read through it twice to figure out exactly what happened.

 

One thing I noticed, is your prologue talks about the children being born. Are they really only ten when the rest of the story happens? seems like it should be a little more than ten years to me

 

Also, I know this is fanfiction, but I think it would be cool if you tied it into EL just a wee bit more

 

Another thing, that always bugs me when reading stuff, is your formatting. When someone speaks their text should be a paragraph to its self, also you really only have a couple paragraph breaks. If I were formatting the story I would have put it more like this : (note I didn't change any text, just the way its set up)

 

Legacy

Written by Storm_Shadow aka Richard Haas

Prologue

In a land where there was no war for a thousand years, there was born to the king two children. The first, a son and heir to the throne. The second, was a daughter. Both were granted special gifts from the gods. The boy, who was named Typherius, was given the power to control the elements without restriction and use them at will unmoderated. The daughter, however, was granted the ability to influence the thoughts of others with the exception of only her brother. She was later named Bridged.

The king had set up sub-divisions of his kingdom for each of his children to grow up in and eventually inherit. Typherius, was raised in the southern portion of the kingdom, where the fires were plenty and dragons numerous. His castle, was guarded by the dragon "Ephesia", who could breathe fire or ice, the only dragon capable of this. The region was called Billana.

Bridged,was to grow up in the extreme north. Her region, Astrolix, was infested with basilisks. Her temple was guarded by such a basilisk, called "Aphellia". Aphellia was special because she could control water sources nearby and manipulate them at will.

The king assigned each guardian beast to their perspective child, and the creatures would obey only their masters.

The middle kingdom, which still belonged to the king, was called Draginia. This is where all mortals originated. Unfortunately, the most powerful sorceror of all time, Aphron, also lived there. Aphron was the head advisor and personal "protector" to the king.

 

.......Ten years later.......

It was on a cold winter day. Snow lay upon the ground, covered in the blood of mortal men. The people of the western continent had come, and they slain the people of the village Milash. The men laid dead in their beds, and the women lay desacrated beside their husbands. The blood of children was upon them. Only one, a small child, escaped the slaughter. Running through the woods, he was terrified for his life. But he knew in his heart that his uncle, Typherius, could protect him.

Back at the village, the general of the attaking army was addressing his men.

"Wheres the boy? We must not allow him to escape!!"

One soldier replied, "I don't know sir. Perhaps his body was destroyed in the blaze. No way anything survived."

And the general responded, "Let us hope for your sake, Ophellian, that you're right."

Seiko was a ruthless general, and his sargeants feared to fail him because of the penalty usually associated with failure. Just then, his master appeared

"Great Josophine, all-powerful daughter of Aphron, to what do I owe this honor?"

"There will be a quick victory for you, followed by seven years of war. The one whose family you have betrayed will come, and you will die by innocent hands." With that she vanished.

Meanwhile, in the south, the boy who had run so hard was approaching his uncle's palace. The guard didn't recognize him, as he was dirty from the run.

"Stop! Only royalty may enter here, under penalty of death!" He drew out his sword, ready to slay the boy. Drago kneeled and replied.

"I am Drago, nephew of Typherius and the only son of Bridged of the North. I demand my uncles audience immediately! If you don't believe me, look to my back for proof."

The distinct tatoo of the royal seal was obvious, and the guard escorted him in.

"Sire, your nephew to see you."

"My nephew, to what tradgedy has brought you this far from your home?" The question was filled with worry.

"The homeland has been invaded. My village, its gone and we are the only ones left in our line.

Typherius was furious.

"Ascemble my armies, get the dragon Ephesia suited up for battle immediately!"

"Yes sir!"

As the army of Typherius marched across the once untainted homelands, they killed their enemies and took no prisoners. And they were at the city gates of the capital. Drago had, however, snuck in the night before. And as the battle raged, there was much noise and the King's murderer was upon the throne he stole calling for a swift end to this "ruckus".

Just as he asked the question, Drago's voice could be heard, "As you wish, majesty."

Then the inner walls of the throne room collapsed with an explosion, followed by a breath of fire, consuming the guards in the room instantly. Then, Drago approached the man, who he recognized as his father's general.

He said, "Forgive me father, for I will sin. For the one called Seiko, I will deliver the just reward he so deserves."

The dagger felt warm going into the stomach of the ill-prepared man. And as his blood ran into his hands, he could feel the shockwave travelling up his arm and into his heart.

"Its over," he said, and sat down on his throne. "The war is over."

*******THE END*********

 

Overall I think Its good. But you asked for me to read it and comment, and that means I'll critisize.

 

Great work though honestly I'd love to see something a little longer come from this story line, it would be pretty cool

[Storm_Shadow]

Thanks Enly, i will start workin on that right away. Of course I really must be getting some sleep. Look out for my next story on the American Indians...Laters