Eclonis' Story

[EclonisDureva87]

Eclonis Dureva was born in a town unlike any other. A town where all the elves lived in peace and harmony, using magic of sorts to survive attacks from the Dwarves who wanted the power of magic. Years went by and the whole town discovered that Eclonis had extarordianry talent with not only magic, but with a sword as well. So the elves spent years trying to develope Eclonis into the perfect warrior to continue thwarting the Dwarves plans to conquer their ancient magic.

The day that Eclonis' skills would be put to the test would be on his 19th brithday which so happens to be today. The day the Dwarves would go for an all-out assault on the Elvish Village known as Tirnwood Vale...

"Eclonis, today is the day for you to prove you are a worthy warrior." Eclonis' mother, named Thelsie, said to Eclonis as he emerged from his room dressed with Titanium Chain Mail with matching pants. Eclonis had black fingerless gloves on with two lines of red wrapped around the backside along with boots with the same look.

"I know mother. I cannot fail my people. I won't!" Eclonis exclaimed as he placed a hand on the handle of his double edged steel sword.

"Easy my son... the battle won't be for a few hours. So go ahead and do what you need to beforehand."

With this, Eclonis left his mother's house, which was built into a giant oak tree, and started walking down a path towards the blacksmith's.

I guess I should thank him for the sword. It's his best work thus far. I guess i'll figure out what I'll do after that...

Eclonis walked up to the blacksmith's hut and walked through the open door and took in the surroundings. Doing this he noticed a giant anvil in front of a fireplace with all kinds of swords and axes strewn about.

"Sinquain? Are you here?" Eclonis asked as he looked behind the counter.

Sinquain popped up startling Eclonis who had jumped back with his hand on his sword handle. "Easy Eclonis. I'm sorry about that. I was just organizing a few materials back here." Eclonis simply let go of the handle and stepped back up to the counter. "So what can i help you with?"

"Nothing really. I just wanted to thank you for such an incredible sword while I got the chance." Elclonis said as he reached out his hand.

Sinquain looked at it briefly and took his hand gratefully. "It was no problem at all. You should probably go see your girlfriend Melissa, 'while you have the chance'. She was looking for you earlier."

"Do you know where she is now?" Eclonis asked as he released his grip from Sinquain's.

"She should be helping Katlyn right now at her shop." Sinquain answered quickly.

"Okay. Thanks again for the sword." Eclonis said just as quickly before leaving the shop.

"Anytime Eclonis... anytime."

 

Shortly after Eclonis left Sinquain's shop, he found himself in the front of a flower shop owned by Katlyn. He quickly walked inside and saw Katlyn and Melissa standing in front of an assortment of Red Roses and Blue Lupine. Melissa turned around to see Eclonis standing at the door, ran to him, and jumped into his arms hugging him tightly.

"I was hoping to see you before you went to the battle." Melissa said as she released him from her grasp.

"I was hoping to see you too. There's something I wanted to ask you..." Eclonis said nervously.

"What is it?"

"I was wondering if you will..." Eclonis started to say but was interupted by a loud scream for help outside.

Without thinking, he ran outside to see Dwarves swarming into the city killing all who stood in their way. He drew his sword from his sheath and yelled in a demanding tone, "Get out of here!"

Eclonis ran towards the invading Dwarves at full speed with his hand raised as he cast a harm on the closest, killing it. Eclonis lept over the dead Dwarf and sliced at the one behind it. Eclonis continued slicing and casting spells for quite some time and was also joined by other Elves in the fight. The battle lasted just under an hour, but it seemed like an eternity for Eclonis who just wanted to see Melissa.

Finally over... but that doesn't seem normal that they would only send this many to an 'all-out' battle. Screw it, i need to find Melissa...

After thinking this for a brief moment, Eclonis ran towards the hiding place for the women and children of Tirnwood Vale which was located on the outskirts of this small Elvish town. He had found his way there without trouble of any kind, which was unusual for Whitestone at this time of day. Eclonis ran into the hideout and found Melissa with ease.

"There you are." Eclonis said as he held her tightly. "The fighting is over, we can all go back."

Rather than ask questions, the group just walked out of their secret hiding place and towards Tirnwood. Except for Melissa and Eclonis.

"So what was it that you were going to ask me?" Melissa asked as she peered into his eyes seeing nothing but compasion.

Eclonis simply got down to one knee and asked, "Melissa... will you marry me?"

"Yes." Melissa said without hesitation.

Eclonis stood up and kissed her with her returning the kiss. Then they both walked to the distant Tirnwood Vale hand in hand...

 

 

(side not) fighting is not my thing to write about, but i can do it nonetheless

[Roja]

Nice little story

Here's my critique on it:

 

Your strengths: the dialogue. they were the best parts of the story. I could really hear and see the characters at those points.

 

The battle scene could definetly use more detail, but what I really think could have used more work was the overall "story outline"..like, what happens when, where the character goes and why..some of it just didn't really fit into place very well and was hurried.

As an example:

"So the elves spent years trying to develope Eclonis into the perfect warrior to continue thwarting the Dwarves plans to conquer their ancient magic."

It sounds like the elves are only trainging 1 person. If he was so great then you should have expanded upon his abilities about why he was so great..maybe make him a general too or something.

Another thing that poses a question is that the dwarves are trying to take the elves' magic...so do they have none of their own? Did they aquire magic through the elves? Would make an intersting story. But it needs more of an explaination in yours. Hope you understand what i'm getting at here

 

I think you'd do pretty well if you had a good structural outline in place.

[EclonisDureva87]

to be completely honest, i was doing a couple other things as i wrote that so it came out kinda mushed. i can write fighting details and i can have more of a story. so if u would like me to write something else, i'll do it no problem.

[Roja]

Ok, well why don't you write another story, and this time do your best? After all, your best is what you're judged on. Anything else just isn't worth it.

[EclonisDureva87]

remember Roja... u asked for it, lol

 

 

It was a day like any other day, as is every day. Turothin woke up to the sound of birds chirping, cleaned himself up, and got dressed. Shortly after he was on his way to work at the tavern. Little did he know that everything he knew and loved would vanish in a single day. There were few warnings of it in what he had experienced throughout his childhood in the days leading up to this 'ordinary' day. But in order for me to explain the present, I'd have to take you back to the ignored warnings which lead to this fateful day.

 

Mortia 17th

014 Hours

 

Turothin was seven years old on this morning. At the time of this particular sign, Turothin had been sleeping in his cozy bed which had been located on Isla Prima. The first sign had been in his dream.

It seemed like your typical dream. Walking on clouds, strolling through the woods, those sorts of things. Then it turned for the worse in the forest. Suddenly a curiously strong whirlwind occured out of nowhere and landed in front of Turothin, who looked to be older than he was. Moments later it dispersed leaving a tall shadowy hooded figure standing there with dark glowing red eyes that stared at Turothin with hate and anger. It slowly began walking at the older Turothin with one outstretched pointed at him.

Something else, just as unexpected as the whirlwind and this aparent evil being, happened. The figure's hand started pulsating with a dark blue glow which started shooting off small lightning bolts in Turothin's direction. One of the bolts that was aimed at Turothin's head miraculously stopped in mid-air. This was due to some sort of gray force field that had surrounded Turothin. Then something just as miraculous happened. The gray force field started morphing into an arrow that had shot towards the evil being.

Seconds before it could hit, Turothin shot straight up into a sitting position from his sleep. And for reasons beyond his knowledge he decided to look out his window. This is where he saw the same red eyes staring at him through the glass. Instinctively he called for his mother who had been preparing breakfast in the other room. But regardless of that, she ran through the hallway and into his room to see Turothin staring back at her.

Turothin quickly looked back at the window to see that nothing was there. He then explained what had happened to his mother who had a look of sheer worry on her face. Once he finished explaining it she dismissed it saying that part of his dream was still in his mind when he woke up which was why he saw the red eyes. So he had no choice but to dismiss it as just another dream.

 

Unknown

Unknown

 

Several years later, at an unknown time in Turothin's life, he was walking along a path towards Whitestone City from the Forest of the Fall. As he walked he noticed a pair of red eyes circling him from above. This is when he remembered the dream he had had at the age of seven. And without warning, the dream continued where it left off.

The gray arrow was on it's way to the hooded figure. But rather than hit it, as Turothin thought before, the hooded figure dodged it at ran at Turothin with lightning speed. It then pulled back a fist and swung at Turothin. Without thinking, he ducked and pulled the same force field from around him and simehow forced it into a fist and threw the punch at the figure with an uppercut. That's where the dream or possibly the vision cut off. And James was just standing there staring at the tree lining. That's when one of his friends walked up and grabbed him on the shoulder.

"Hey Turothin. You okay?" What are you looking at?" His friend asked in obvious worry.

"Oh. Umm... I'm fine. I just... thought I saw somehting."

"Well hurry up man. I'd rather not be mauled by a bear."

Turothin just looked at him in question then shrugged it off almost immediatly. "Alright, let's go."

Then, just as before, he shook off the dream or vision and continued on with his life as if nothing happened.

 

Vesepia 19th

547 Hours

 

On this day, Turothin was living in Lakeside Village with a job at the Tavern in Grahm's Village. He was on his way back from work when he decided to look up at the mountains and as he did so, he saw the red eyes. When he noticed this he remembered about his dream and had expeceted to see more of it. This time had been different. Nothing happened. So he had no choice but to let it go thinking it was his eyes playing tricks on him.

 

Vesepia 24th

100 Hours

 

Before Turothin woke up on this day there was an unusual serge of birds and cats outside of his home as if trying to warn or protect him from certain danger. But Turothin would never know this because something showed up at his window. Something with red eyes that had scared the animals away outside Turothin's window. The figure then looked at Turothin for a moment and walked away.

 

130 Hours

 

Other than that, it was a day like any other day, as is every day. Turothin woke up to the sound of birds chirping, cleaned himself up, and got dressed. Shortly after he was on his way to work at the tavern. Little did he know that everything he knew and loved would vanish in a single day. There were few warnings of it in what he had experienced throughout his childhood in the days leading up to this 'ordinary' day.

As he approached the Tavern he noticed that there had been smoke emerging from the general direction of his workplace. He figured someone had a fire going to cook comething or even just to warm up a bit. But he wasn't ready for this.

As he got closer and closer he finally realized that the Tavern was burning down with flames that seemed to erupt out of nowhere.As quickly as possible, Turothin ran towards the Tavern and began questioning his boss.

"What the hell happened? Did everybody get out okay?" Turothin asked in a rush. "Answer me Jenny?!"

"I don't know what happened. It just started out of nowhere. All I remeber seeing was a blue glow and some kind of bolts or something. But only after there was a slight breeze coming from upstairs." Jenny answered anxiously.

A dark blue glow? Bolts? Wind inside the Tavern? Oh no... it can't be. SHIT!

"Did everyone get out okay?!" Turothin asked with worry.

"Katlyn never made it out." Jenny responded on the verge of crying.

"Dammit! I've gotta go in and find her." Turothin said, then without thinking on it for a second longer, he ran inside the Tavern through the burning front door.

"BE CAREFUL!" Jenny exclaimed.

Turothin continued into the Tavern without responding. He looked around erratically searching for Katlyn, the one he loves more than anything. Tired of looking he began shouting for her.

"Katlyn! Where are you?!"

"She won't answer you , you know. Because I've already killed her." The shadowy figure said, woth an extremely deep voice, as he walked down the stairs.

"You... who are you?" What do you want from me?! Why would you do this?!?" Turothin exclaimed at the top of his lungs.

"I did it because of you. Because of what you will do to hurt my cause. And I DON'T need you screwing with my plans!" The figure then made a fist which began pulsating the same drak blue color as it had in Turothin's dream so many years ago. "So now you're going to die so I won't have to put up with you anymore!"

"But I don't even know who you are, nor do I know what your plans are. But you can bet that you will die for killing Katlyn!" Turothin exclaimed in absolute anger. Then the gray force field from his dream appeared as it did before and surrounded Turothin.

"Humph. I see you learned to understand your ability already." Just as he said this the dark pulsating from the figure's right hand dissapeared. "We'll finish this another time Turothin."

He turned and waved his hand, causing a pitch-black door to appear. Then he slowly began walking through it, but not without saying one last thing. "The name is Taonte. Your new sworn enemy." Then Taonte dissappeared through the door. Just after he did so, the door vanished.

Somehow, Turothin managed to subside the force field and continued searching for Katlyn upstairs only to find that she was just as Taonte said. So he chose to leave her where she lay due to the fact that flames were engulfing most of the Tavern by now.

"I'm sorry... I love you and you will be avenged!" Turothin then ran down the stairs and out the front doors with a look a sheer sadness and anger spread across his face.

"Turothin... what happened? What's wrong?" Jenny asked as Turothin walked closer to her.

"Katlyn is dead... She was... killed by the fire."

"Oh my God... i can't believe it..." Jenny started but then looked into his eyes. "You're lying. But i guess you have your reasons for it."

She's smarter than she looks. But if I told her the truth she may end up like Katlyn.

"I need to go... take care Jenny." Turothin said with kindness. Then he began walking back to his house in Lakeside.

"You too Turothin." Jenny said to Turothin as he walked away without saying another word.

 

315 Hours

 

Turothin walked into his home after realizing the one he loved more than anything was dead and that he had a new sworn enemy. Moments after he walked in, he noticed that Taonte beat him to it. He was standing there as if awaiting Turothin's return. But he welcomed Turothin with a swift punch to the head with a dark blue glowing hand. Rather than miss as it did in Turthin's dream, it hit him dead on which sent him flying into the door he'd just walked through.

"Ha. No matter how hard you might try you can't stop your inevitable death. So just stay still!" Taonte said with the same deep voice.

Turothin just stumbled to a stand and faced Taonte. "Death may be inevitable but having it delivered by you isn't. I'm never going to stop fighting you until you pay for killing Katlyn!" James shouted in absolute anger.

"Well don't forget about your parents now." Taonte said simply and began laughing demonically.

"You bastard, you are going to pay!" Then Turothin leapt towards Taonte and started swinging at him with unimaginable quickness, hitting him with one swing after another. Then he stopped briefly enough to kick Taonte square in the chest to send him flying through the wall.

"...how'd you get so fast..." Taonte said in a shock. He quickly stood and waved his hand to reveal the same black portal and retreated into it after saying, "This isn't the last of me Turothin, not by a long shot."

He tried to follow him into the portal but before he could, it closed. So he did what anyone would do in this situation and mourned the death of his parents.

 

524 Hours

 

"This guy is gonna pay... He's killed the only person I ever loved. Now he's killed my parents... I need to find him, then kill him. But how am i gonna find him? Other than being evil and named Taonte, I know nothing about him... I know... I've got powers similar to his so may I can conjure this portal that he does." Turothin thought to himself out loud.

Turothin cleared his mind and thought of that portal and waved his hand as Taonte had done twice before. But nothing happened. "Dammit..." Turothin was going to say something else but then the door suddenly appeared. "Finally."

Turothin slowly stepped towards the portal and was about to walk through it but was having second thoughts. Before he could think on it more the portal began closing so he had to throw caution to the wind and jumped through it. After he did he found himself in the same woods he was in during his visions. He could see nothing other than the path he was standing on and trees. So he walked down the path.

"So, you figured out how to conjure the door. Good for you, now you're going to die. Hope you feel good about yourself. Don't see how that's possible though with your parents dead along with the love of your life." Taonte just laughed with the same demonic laugh at this.

Before Turothin could respond, Taonte had lunged towards him with the same lightning like speed and struck him in the chest. Turothin had flown back into a pile of leaves as a result of the punch. Turothin just stumbled to a stand and tried his best to summon the gray force field to attack Taonte. Which he did ever so gloriously as he had already sent the arrow straight at Taonte's head.

Taonte simply stepped aside and watched the arrow fly by. "Looks like you..." Taonte began saying as he turned to face Turothin but was only met by his fist in his face. This sent him flying into a tree. James just walked up and held Taonte down with one hand as he kneeled next to him. With the other hand he pulled out a knife that was sheathed around his ankle.

"You've stolen your last thing form me Taonte." Then with one quick motion he stabbed Taonte in the heart.

With his last bit of strength he went to pull his hood back to show his true self to Turothin, but failing in doing so. So he just simply said, "You were able to defeat me so you deserve to see my true self."

Turothin just stood up and walked away. But said, "I don't want to see your true self because all I'd see is the faces of those you've killed. I just wish it wasn't too late for me to save them." as he walked away towards the portal.

As he reached the portal it seemed a little different, a little darker. But he thought to himself that there was no way he'd stay in this world so he just walked through it.

 

Vesepia 24th

130 Hours

 

Turothin had woken up abruptly realizing that everthing that had happened was just a dream. Shortly after, he realized what day it was and that he'd be late for work if he didn't hurry. So he quickly got out of bed and got dressed after washing up a little bit.

As he walked to work he began thinking if it was all real or not. He wondered if there was such a person as Taonte, who he had fought and killed. He wondered of what he would find when he approaches the Tavern. But he saw that everything was normal. The Tavern wasn't burned down and Katlyn was still alive.

Thinking that there may be such a person as Taonte, he walked up to Katlyn who had greeted him with a gorgeous smile and a hug and said, "Hey Turothin. How are you?"

"Alot better than I felt when I woke up."

"That's good."

"Listen Katlyn," Turothin started to say as he grabbed her hands, "I love you more than anyone I've ever met and I want to be with you."

Katlyn started to tear up after hearing this and kissed Turothin. Moments after she let him breathe again she said, "I love you too."

"I always hoped you did. I need to check on something real quick." Turothin said as he left Katlyn standing in front of the Tavern.

"Okay." Katlyn said briefly.

Turothin went into the Tavern and walked down into the cellar. And after he searched it to make sure nobody was in there he locked the door quickly and said to himself, "Okay. Now I just need to see if I can..."

After saying this he concentrated on summoning the portal he waved his hand with his eyes closed. He quickly opened his eyes to see that there were only barrels to look at.

I guess all of it really was a dream... Turothin thought to himself as he walked to the door, unlocked it, and went back to meet up with Katlyn outside to propose to her where she would say yes.

But little did Turothin know that seconds after he left the portal had appeared, Taonte had poked his head through the portal. But this Taonte was slightly different. The difference being that he had dark blue eyes.

"I wonder if he will ever find out that I was actually on his side to teach him of his powers through his dreams... I guess it doesn't matter. He has already saved HIS world, and soon he will save the actual world. And he will never know that I was sent to further his abilities that he has done at incredible speed. Good luck Turothin..." Then Taonte just pulled his head back through the portal and closed it.

[Roja]

I read over it. Hope you don't mind a big critique!

 

You've got good ideas, but the whole story lacks a cohesiveness, and details, to make it really good. Also there are odd things that don't really fit into EL.

 

Some problems:

The part where "he was walking along a path towards Whitestone City from the Forest of the Fall." The whole story starts off as if he's walking by himself, but at the end we see that's not the case..he's with friends. It just doesn't fit and totally changes what the reader visualized.

 

When the lakeside tavern catches on fire, there should be a mention of that girl who dies being his love beforehand. to make the story more complete, more well rounded.

 

In another part it says "Now he's killed my parents"..but we didnt' even know if he had parents before, or when they were killed exactly.

 

Then at the very end it says he saved his world..but how did he do it? It doesn't make much sense.

 

There are a lot of things like that, overall you've to try to add more to the story, more details, more story, make it flow better.

I'm not a writer to really help you much with this unfortunately.

 

 

The good things are as I pointed out before, and your ideas are there. You've got good potential! You just have to learn how to bring it together and make it sound well, and provide good visuals to the reader.

[EclonisDureva87]

as for visuals, i understand i do lack it. but as far as the story goes, i wrote it to be more of a cliffhanger to keep you wondering. i guess u might have to be a writer to understand that aspect. as for the friend in the forest of the fall, he came up behind him as if catching up with him. but thank u for ur advice. not many people read what i write so it's good for me to get feedback.

Edited January 29, 2007 by EclonisDureva87

[Roja]

I understand cliffhangers, and yeah you did good with that. It's just when I read the story it didn't flow together very well. And I'm not talking about how you separated it into parts, but even within those parts it didn't flow while reading it.