Zelse Report post Posted June 16, 2006 As I make my way through the Underworld map all in a hurry with no other worries except for my bag with the items I once had I hope that no one takes it away. I hurry through the exit the portal to Isla Prima all in a hurry with no other worries not for my health not for the heal towards my health Just strait to my bag to the docks! hurry! we must go as fast as the clock tocks all in a hurry with no other worries With a hopeful check on the channels I read to discover if my bag has been recovered all in a hurry with no other worries to get back my bag Oh how close I am to where I made that final stand please let my bag be there for I came in a hurry with no other worries As I hurry with no other worries to my bag to get back what I had I begin to ponder what will be of my bag... Oh what a drag I could lose my death bag it could disappear any minute but I hope I get there before the twelfth minute but if not at least I gave it a shot Oh what a drag I could lose my death bag it could be bagjumped! Oh my little bag it could be had but when I get there will my bag be...ransacked? Could a bagjumper with the title of newbie obtain my bag with the items I once had? not all could be lost for a newbie cannot carry all that stuff nor would he know of his wrongdoings for taking my bag with the items I once had Hopefully a Bagjumper did not take my bag newbies are understandable but there are others who want my valuables Their are Bagjumpers who steal taking the full deal leaving nothing at all except for a small taw-taw But we cannot forget the most unpleasant of all Those Bagjumpers who enjoy taking all leaving only a bone thats not even mine own Ohh why did I forget the Rostogol Stone? Yet I cannot forget nor fail to neglect those helpful bagsavers who perform big favors by giving us our bag with all the items we had Only one probability left as I take the last steps to where I died leaving my items inside the little bag The last probability is the bag sitting there quite tranquilitly not stirred at all not by my defeating flaw not by my enemy Oh be there for me my little bag hopefully your items will be there or will they be had? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aislinn Report post Posted June 16, 2006 Nice job, you caught the feeling perfectly. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bleuren Report post Posted June 17, 2006 That is a very nice story. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brain Report post Posted June 17, 2006 Awesome and so true Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Lupine Report post Posted June 17, 2006 excellent poem Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shouja Report post Posted June 17, 2006 (edited) Contrary to what others have been saying, I found it rather poor. While the feeling might be there, you shouldn't have tried to make it rhyme when you didn't need to. Some stanzas had rhymes, some didn't, and those that had rhymes had different rhyming schemes instead of a standard one. It spoiled the flow a lot, and it was obvious at times that the readability was severely strained "just to make it rhyme". (probability-tranquilitly? ) You were trying too hard. Poetry needs to flow naturally. Any attempt to force it just makes it sound mechanical. ~Shouja~ Edited June 17, 2006 by Shouja Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sistema Report post Posted June 17, 2006 I like it, nice job! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cho-yun Report post Posted June 17, 2006 great poem! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
relyt Report post Posted June 20, 2006 cool poem i like it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
metalcat1210 Report post Posted June 21, 2006 Great job you always make the best stuff. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aerowind Report post Posted June 21, 2006 The mechanics were off a bit, but otherwise great poem Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
deneochris Report post Posted January 29, 2007 True but what did the bag have if it was some snapdragons who cares! was it full beronze? Full of truth and wisdom. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TessAnna Report post Posted November 25, 2007 I enjoyed the variety of your stanza's and found nothing forced. I love it when people step outside the lines and are willing to make their own rules when writing.... after all, that's what being a writer is all about. TessAnna Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
furzwei Report post Posted December 2, 2007 nice nice... how bout this? The death bag was big who took it is a pig i curse on all the channels people dont see my manners i tell you off fast 'n dirty dont take that bag nor try to hurt me i tell this my guild and that i wanna fight whoever had the cojones to steal my precious bones a few mins later a pm like heaven "i have your bag meet me at raven" i met with that elf, who has no name its only the niceness thats always the same! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aranka Report post Posted December 26, 2007 i very much like the content of the poem, i think its great you can see that you put much effort in it (to make it rhyme, end etc.), and it gives a good result, yet i think it would've been even better if you revised and removed some repetitive words (for example the word bag is used alot ) nice job, and i hope to see more of your writings Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
