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Melisandes' journey


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#1 Aranka

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Posted 15 January 2008 - 05:42 PM

I would like to know if my writing skill is good enough, because i would like to try to write an official story :P

comment all you like, its welcome, that way i can improve :P


1.
Nervously Melisande sat at the beam, waiting for that mystical traveller, holding her quarterstaff in a tight grip and poking her black adventurer’s hat back and forth. There were people of all kinds at the beam, all so different of height, length, race and colour, but most of all they differed of personality. Her eyes wandered eagerly, finding this dance of colours mesmerising.
Thoughts and questions of curiosity grinded in her head, leaving her no peace about what Snow was. Worried about the small gold supply she carried with her, her hands dove into a small leather purse carefully counting each gold coin until she reassured herself there were exactly 100 of them; not more, not less.
The sun climbed high in the clear blue sky and Melisande felt the temperature rise. Her nicely decorated augmented leather armour seemed about to melt and as it clung to her body, she felt like she was wearing one of lead. The air was hot and thick, dazing her mind.

In the distance Melisande saw a man pleasantly walking towards the beam, wearing a similar armor as she, yet his appearance was a lot fresher than hers, despite the fact that he walked in the same blistering heat as she was waiting in.
“Melisande?” he asked widely smiling, with a friendly twinkle in his dark gray eyes.
Melisande stood up and was amazed how young he looked, yet the colour of his hair betrayed his age.
“Follow me please.” He said kindly as he walked slowly towards the port of the small island, softly humming and occasionally looking back to see if she could keep up with his pace.

As the evening fell over Seridia shimmering stars dotted the dark blue sky. The heat of the day had finally given way for the cool breezes of the night. Melisande stared in the distance, her mind soothed by the steady rhythm of their boots as they walked the grassy grounds near the Whitestone coast. She had quietly walked behind him for hours; enjoying the purity of the nature that surrounded them. After the chaotic boat trip from Isla Prima to Whitestone, everything had gone to silence, as if there were no other persons heading to where they were going. Oblivious to the lantern lights of a small human village in the distance, Melisande murmured to herself about the fact that she didn’t clean the house before leaving on this journey and wondered if Sushi, her goldfish, would survive grandma’s experimental cooking in her absence.
There was something about that man, her guide, that intrigued Melisande. His appearance revealed a hint of mystery, and in his green-grey eyes he hid a world full of secrets and magic.
She had heard many stories of what the world was like across the great sea, but she never had the honour or chance to experience it herself. Sure there were other ways of travelling there, but the gift of teleportation belonged only to mages of great power, and teleportation rings were very rare... not to mention too expensive for a simple lady like herself. To gather 100 gold coins she needed a lot of time, as picking flowers was not exactly the most lucrative business in Seridia, but it was the business that pleased her most (‘and that is what’s most important in life’ her grandma always said).

#2 Cajun

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Posted 15 January 2008 - 07:37 PM

I really liked it. i thought you put the reader in the story very well and i understood your feelings. I think you should write more, i'd like to know more about the mystery man. hehe

#3 Guest_Annatira_*

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Posted 15 January 2008 - 10:04 PM

More, please! An excellent beginning, I'm hooked . 8)

#4 Roja

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Posted 15 January 2008 - 11:28 PM

It's not bad, the only thing I'd say is that you should give some more details on who this person is, or at least, why she is waiting for him and why she follows him.

#5 Aranka

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Posted 25 January 2008 - 04:34 PM

2.
‘Ah we have arrived at last… ’

The lanterns were casting a deep orange glow, lighting the village’s entrance. As they came closer, they could hear the laughter and loud music escape from the tavern.
‘ We will be sleeping in the Drunken Pony tonight, Melisande.’
She nodded silently, her face looking a little pale, being tired of the long walk.
‘ We continue the journey early in the morning. If all goes right, you should arrive in Idaloran by nightfall.’ he spoke with a rusty voice.
Melisande’s eyes shimmered by the thought of seeing, touching, feeling ... Snow…

As they entered, the door loudly cracked. The air was permeated with the smell of beer and roasted meat.

“ Ouf!” she sighed, “ I never thought travelling was such an exhausting occupation.” she took her adventurers cap off and ran with her fingers trough her ruby-red, long hair before she sat down at the table.
“ You would be surprised.” he said grinning.
Not long after they sat down, the innkeeper came to take their orders; two times the day menu, and two small rooms on the highest floor.

“There’s a thing I wanted to ask you, really. It’s been on my mind quite a while now and I can’t figure it out...” Melisande hesitated a moment before continuing, “Why did you refuse payment to guide me to Idaloran? I’ve never met a person in my entire life that would do that for free.”
“ Ah.”
He was about to reply to her question, when the innkeeper dashed the two plates of roasted meat and the drinks on the table, spoiling some of the brown sauce.
“Very friendly service.” he joked as she looked a bit shocked at the innkeeper, who walked back behind the bar.
“Let’s not let this wonderful dish grow cold… bon appetit!” ignoring her questioning look he started to eat, leaving her questions unanswered.
He felt her eyes burning on him, almost as if she was breaking into his mind, looking right trough him and unveiling his darkest secrets.
The infamy he had been hiding from the world was hard to bear... let alone to speak of...




3. The vivid sky scorched to a dark beacon that rendered the valley in a deathly scene. He slowly rose from the rose bush as a dark voice bursted from the black clouds in violent anger:

Not until the green leaves of Nymorq’s haunted forest colour dark blue as the nightly sky, you can be redeemed. You have attempted to steal a Blue Rose from Gaia’s sanctuary; no priest can pray you to heaven anymore as your act was that of a godless one.
You will guide the blue-skinned to Irillion if they request it, until your salvation comes. You have defied the laws of the gods once, dare not do so again.
Until the green leaves of Nymorq turn as blue as their skin, you are under these commands.
You traded your life for that of the Blue Rose dying in your hands.

Reality struck him hard and fast, in an attempt to gain an eternal life, he had lost that what was still left of the fading one. In pursuit of becoming a god he forgot how mortal he was.
It was but now that he could see how vain he had been…



(These are small fragments written for approval, not really for forming a coherent story. Its more like pieces of text so you can judge my way of writing. For a full story I always make a story and event scheme first; here this was not the case ;) )

Edited by Melisande, 25 January 2008 - 04:36 PM.


#6 Roja

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Posted 27 January 2008 - 03:38 AM

Ok you can try out writing an official story if you'd like :P
Just keep in mind about writing more details in the story so the reader can follow it better.

#7 Aranka

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Posted 27 January 2008 - 11:00 AM

tyvm :wacko:

i will start writing soon :)




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