Edited by Aphistolas, 02 February 2008 - 05:03 PM.
Danger? Don't be 'daft!
Posted 02 December 2007 - 03:05 PM
Edited by Aphistolas, 02 February 2008 - 05:02 PM.
Posted 02 December 2007 - 05:48 PM
Posted 03 December 2007 - 07:37 PM
Your character development through Aphistolas' interaction with the nanny is great. I immediately liked the character and wanted to see some of the trouble he would get into. It's too bad he never gets back home because I'd love to see a long series of little adventures (think Tom Sawyer) in which he always returns home to a nanny who scolds. But that's the direction I would take it and you're doing a fine job on your own.
Chapter 1 repeats through the thread, so you might want to edit that out.
Let me know in PMs if you want any punctuation editing help.
I can't wait to see what happens next!
Edited by sygon, 03 December 2007 - 07:38 PM.
Posted 08 December 2007 - 05:50 PM
Edited by Aphistolas, 02 February 2008 - 05:01 PM.
Posted 06 January 2008 - 10:21 PM
I'd suggest reading through it to check for grammar or punctuation mistakes, and also make sure you know exactly what a word means when you use it, sometimes it doesn't make sense and I think you used the wrong word.
I think some more descriptions of surroundings would liven up the story a bit more You do have a few places where you describe the surroundings... but there is this thing in writing called 'show, don't tell' showing is explaining with more action than just saying he was in a room where the floor and ceiling was made of dark wood, its more like explaining how he got up and bumped his head on the dark wood ceiling, or something like... that was just a quick thought up example
Posted 10 January 2008 - 08:11 PM
Ed: I think I'll regress a few chapters, seriously bored with where this story is headed at the moment.
Edited by Aphistolas, 14 January 2008 - 05:54 PM.
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