mciscass Report post Posted December 4, 2007 (edited) (Note: I feel confident about this poem. A little more traditional than some. I hope it will be considered for the official poem list) An ode to Lord Mortos For when I am dead He is so very close He is inside my head Did you feel that buzz? Did you here what I said? He controls me because He is inside my head And it may be That I can be led And never be free While he's inside my head I would control the controllers But they control me instead Just like my molars They are inside my head So near the church steeple I again lay to bed To talk with the people Still inside my head Edited December 4, 2007 by mciscass Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Roja Report post Posted December 4, 2007 Hi, well it's a nice poem, sounds like that of an insane person? Forgive me if I am mistaken. I don't see how it really relates to Mortos though, other than the person being insane and thinking he is controlling them. Maybe you can explain that a bit more? It's pretty confusing on it's own unless more is explained. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mciscass Report post Posted December 4, 2007 (edited) Hi, well it's a nice poem, sounds like that of an insane person? Forgive me if I am mistaken. I don't see how it really relates to Mortos though, other than the person being insane and thinking he is controlling them. Maybe you can explain that a bit more? It's pretty confusing on it's own unless more is explained. Most likely all true. I did fear when I posted that this little poem might not have any real value. But I had to try. I enjoy the game and wanted to contribute something. I will explain as best I can. Yes, the poem is implying insanity. I imagined writing to wandering thoughts of someone who is actually driven mad by the curse of Mortos (that no one can really die, as I understand it). I thought of different ways people might view this curse, what the reactions would be, and if some (like the narator in the poem) might not be able to handle this new reality at all. The last stanza refers to dieing again; "near the church steaple I again lay to bed" is meant to bring to mind being laid to rest in a grave (in the past most cemetaries where near churches, and most churches had tall steaples). If this poem were writen by an eternal lands character, it would not be an insane one. It would be a sane poet writing a piece that explored insanity. It is argueable, of course, if there ever was a perfectly sane poet. The rhyme sounded nice, and the I enjoyed adding a little humour to what otherwise would seem a dark poem (refering to the lines "just like my molars, they are inside my head" which was an attempt at humour using word play). It is the first poem I have submitted to any public forum. Thank you for your comments and constructive suggestions. Edited December 4, 2007 by mciscass Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Roja Report post Posted December 5, 2007 Another thing is that we're changing the curse of Mortos around..you'll be able to die now Looks like I forgot to take some stories out of the official sections about that.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kailomonkey Report post Posted December 5, 2007 Kinda reminds me of Selain and his influence on his poor slaves in the official stories I've read. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enly Report post Posted December 5, 2007 An interesting poem mciscass, perhaps you could go on in more lines to explain a bit more about what you meant? As roja said the curse is being changed around, but this poem could easily be changed to refer to something else, someone driven insane and thinks mortos is inside his head, or perhaps even a story of how mortos posessed someone. There was one stanza that jumped out to me. I would control the controllersBut they control me instead Just like my molars They are inside my head The rhyming with molars here seems a bit forced, I dunno maybe its just me, but i felt like this line didn't fit with the rest as well. Also, there are many different forms of poetry, if you have trouble getting things to rhyme like that (it tends to get harder the longer the poem is) you can always use different forms. Ballads are great for telling stories in a poetic form, because the rules for them are so often bent for each individual poem. I normally like ballads, or free verse. Especially free verse because of its make your own rules style. What you have here i think is pretty much free verse, you chose to make stanzas of four lines with alternating rhymes. You could choose to have a stanza of four alternating rhyming lines, then a stanza of a couplet and an unrhymed pair, or something else like that. Just some suggestions if you wanted to go farther with your poem Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mciscass Report post Posted December 5, 2007 The stanza mentioned indeed doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. But that was intentional, as I mentioned, to lighten the mood. I didn't feel the rhyme was forced, but I can see how it could be seen that way; especially in a stanza that stands out as not fitting already. Word play rather than rhyme was my focus in that part (word play in that ones teeth are in ones head in a much different way than voices are in ones head). The poem might be better if this stanza were changed to fit better... but I really don't want to write a completely dark poem. I appreciate the suggestion to try other styles. In truth, I use rhyme because I have trouble maintaining rhythm without it. Rhyming words naturally have similar patterns of stressed and unstress syllables, and so guide my poems into an almost propper meter. I have practiced meter without rhyme, but am not comfortable with it yet. As for free verse, I enjoy it very much, but I feel it is out of character with the eternal lands setting. It is a more modern idea that poetry can exist without meter, and eternal lands is more of a midevial setting. Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions I think they will help me in future attempts. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enly Report post Posted December 5, 2007 Free verse doesn't exactly have to lack meter, thats the beauty of it. And its not really as 'free' as the name suggests. You still have to follow some semblance of rules for the most part, except you get to decide what the rules are. Thats what I was taught anyway Poetry is difficult however, and unlike story writing a lot of whether its a good or bad poem is decided by individual readers with their own opinions and likes/dislikes of styles. A lot more so than with basic prose story writing. I'd love to see some other poems from you, you definately have conquered some of the basic walls people run into, such as rhyming and meter. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites