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#21 Aranka

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Posted 04 November 2008 - 04:37 PM

ok, thanks for this correction ;)

I edited the mistakes in the original post, and put it in green what i changed
(to avoid posting the same chapter over and over and over for every spelling/grammar mistake i make)


greetings,

Aranka

#22 Aranka

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Posted 04 December 2008 - 10:12 PM

the next part :) please comment so i can correct it, thanks



.:~*~:.

It grew dark outside; Akane couldn’t see as far in the distance as she could before and decided to head back. As she lit her torch and made her way back to the little tavern, she cast a last glance at the horizon, hoping he would return soon. Her face was paler than usual, ghostly white in the light of her torch’s flame, and she looked as if she’d been through some sleepless nights.
“Five days…” she murmured, “ and you still didn’t return…”.
Return to me….

Akane had quickly grown weary of sitting outside all by herself, worrying more each day she had no news of Zoran. It struck her as odd that even though they were strangers, she felt a strong connection to him, as if a part of her already knew him. Not a day went by where she didn’t wonder what on earth he was doing and when he would return. She knew they have had little chances to meet as normal people would, but somehow it tied her more to him. Zoran had, unwillingly, opened her eyes to a whole different world…. She had a life of her own now, she was as free as any person would want to be… Free to feel….

As another evening went by, Akane found herself awake at night, thinking about what could have happened to Zoran…
While she held her eyes closed, she could discern the creaking of the tavern’s wooden door on the floor below her. A moment later she heard the grumpy murmuring of the innkeeper, followed by her clumsy, loud footsteps as she walked down the stairs. Akane groaned at the nuisance, and kept tossing and turning in her bed.
A muffled sound of voices reached the second floor. Akane became more and more agitated with the commotion, and squeezed her pillow in frustration. As if it wasn’t bad enough already, the door was opened again in loud excitement, and slammed with the needed energy to drive Akane mad, as she was desperately trying to forget her worries and catch some sleep.


The innkeeper squeezed her eyes a bit as she saw two strong men standing at a table; one of them having a hard time trying not to laugh.
"What can I do for you boys?" she said sternly, obviously bothered by the fact that she had been disturbed in her sleep.
"Well?" she said again, as neither of them answered.
The entrance door creaked again, and a grin appeared on both the faces of the men that stood before the innkeeper
A tall woman walked inside, her boots clacking on the solid wooden floor. Elegant and swift she pulled her hood down.

“Souma!!!” she heard the innkeeper yell enthusiastically “it’s been long since you visited, hun!” followed by her bellowing laugh, "I should have known it was you, dear!".
Akane moaned; her face buried in the pillow she squeezed with all her might.
Downstairs Souma smiled softly at the innkeeper, and gave her a wink. She walked around the room a bit; her black hair lighted dark violet in the dim light of the oil lamp she held in her hand. Her dark eyes stared at the ceiling as she heard a soft noise, coming from the second floor.
“You should’ve said you had a guest, Dina.” whispered Souma with her pleasant, mysterious voice. “Sounds like I’ve awakened her…”, Souma grinned.
"Well its an odd situation really..." Dina replied mysteriously, "Zoran brought her here some days ago and pays for her lodging..."
"She knows Zoran?" asked Yevhen, one of Souma's companions, as they were all surprised to hear that name again after such a long time.
“Well yes, i don't know the details though....Now off to bed with you! Have you got any idea how late it is?” ordered Dina, after which she gave Souma a tight hug and sent her upstairs, together with the other two men of her crew.


.:~*~:.


Zoran’s heart pounded loudly in his head. His body felt unwieldly and he clearly sensed a cool stinging feeling running through his muscles. He struggled with the bag at his side, moving slowly in an uneven tread. The cold wind rustled through the trees and pierced his clothes with ease, stiffening his weakened body even further. His knuckles coloured white as he firmly tightened his grip around the rope with which he had bound the bag together again. His eyes felt extremely weary; and his sight blurred a bit.
Damn it… damn it, damn it, damn it!
“Come on, get a grip” he groaned as his knee collapsed and the bag landed in the mud.
Zoran crawled back up and continued his way back to the tavern, where he had left Akane….

The moon shone bright and lit the forest with its silvery rays. Small drops of rain formed a strange composition resembling pearls and thread in a spider web.
He felt the little cold drops being absorbed by his shirt, touching his skin and sending shivers down his spine as his body rustled against the leaves.
I can be there by morning if I keep it up….

Edited by Aranka, 04 February 2009 - 01:31 PM.


#23 Roja

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Posted 06 December 2008 - 02:59 PM

Yay you wrote some more! :)


Akane became the longer the more agitated with the commotion,


>>Akane became more and more agitated with the commotion,


“Souma!!!” she heard the innkeeper yell enthusiastically “it’s been long since you visited, hun!” followed by her bellowing laugh. Akane moaned; her face buried in the pillow she squeezed with all her might.
A tall woman walked inside, her boots clacking on the solid wooden floor. Elegant and swift she pulled her hood down. Souma smiled softly and gave her a blink.


You have to make more separation here. it's confusing as it sounds like the tall woman is in the room with Akane. It also sounds like the tall woman is different than souma because of the way you worded the sentence, "A tall woman.."-this would be good for when Souma first comes into the room with the innkeeper.

together with the other two men of her crew.


oh, so there's more than just the tall woman? This needs to be mentioned at first when she walks in as well. Don't surprise the reader when they only see just 1 person up till now :P

His body was ponderous

Ponderous means to think, his body wouldn't be doing this, just his mind.



The moon shone bright and lit the forest with her silvery rays.


it's



Small drops of dew formed a strange composition resembling pearls and thread in a spider web.

I believe dew forms at dawn, when the earth starts to warm up from the sun. Not that ther can't be water, but dew is more specific to dawn, at least in people's minds.

#24 Aranka

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Posted 06 December 2008 - 09:03 PM

ok i edited the parts in green again :pickaxe:
about ponderous: i think i must have misinterpreted from the dictionary then, as it was in the list of the word i looked up

tyvm for your commenting :)

#25 Roja

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Posted 06 December 2008 - 09:38 PM

Oops, sorry, you're right about ponderous :pickaxe: However it does sound awkward in the sentence in this context. Ok unwieldy sounds better, but I think if you put His body felt unwieldy it would work even better.


"I should have known it was you, dear!"

This should be a part of the sentence above. If it's in a new paragraph like this then it looks like it's someone else speaking-but it is the innkeeper, right?


Downstairs Souma smiled softly at the innkeeper, and gave her a blink.


It would be wink, not blink. Wink is a purposeful blink at someone.



her black hair lighted dark blue in the dim light of the oil lamp


black hair generally would have a blue sheen..but an oil lamp would give off a warm, orangish light and probably would not make her hair show off the blueness to it.

#26 PhilDaBurn

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 10:24 PM

The moon shone bright and lit the forest with her silvery rays.


it's

Actually, it should be "its".

#27 Aranka

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Posted 01 January 2009 - 04:24 PM

I corrected the previous part in green again, and this is the new part ;) comments are very welcome, that way i can correct :D

greetings, Aranka.



.:~*~:.


Akane woke by the smell of grilled meat and spicy herbs. The smell hung in the whole tavern, as the innkeeper was busy cooking a rather fine meal. Akane stretched her legs and turned around a few times before she climbed out of bed. As she was about to dress herself, she noticed the stains on her clothes and the stale smell they gave off.
“I’ve been wearing this for quite some time now…” she murmured to herself, realising she had no spare clothes with her she could wear while washing her red dress.
A bit uncomfortable with her appearance, Akane walked downstairs and made her way to the dining room of the tavern. To her amazement, the innkeeper had prepared a whole table of fine cheeses, meat and several sorts of bread for breakfast.

“Ah you woke miss? I hope we didn’t make too much noise last night.” said the innkeeper in her heavy manner, while she wobbled out of the kitchen and tried to grin kindly at Akane; yet her face pulled a rather strange grimace.
“So new guests arrived yesterday?” asked Akane curiously.
“Oh yes miss, Souma and her crew arrived yesterday night. Very fine people, miss. In fact I’m sure they can provide you some new clothes, your dress does look as if it could use a nice cleaning, if I may say so.”
“Yes you are right about that…” said Akane ashamed.
“Now don’t you worry about it, I’ll make sure Souma gets you some new clothes, she just returned from a trading mission in Idaloran you know. She does all sorts of jobs with her boat…. Lovely girl, our Souma….
Now what’s your name miss, if I may ask?”
“Akane.” she said softly.
“Ah well, if you need me you can just call me. Oh, and when you see Souma, you may want to tell her Zoran was here a few days ago, huh? They're old friends, and i'm sure she will be happy to stay around and see him again after all this time... I’ll be in the kitchen for now.” said Dina, the innkeeper, clearly more energized and friendly since Souma’s arrival.

A bit helpless and suprised Akane stood still for a few moments, but then decided to go out and see if she could find a good bathing spot. After walking aside the riverbed for a few moments, avoiding the thorny bushes, she saw a vague figure in the distance, sitting on a rock between some low bushes. Akane approached and saw that the tall woman sitting there, was combing her long black hair and stared back at Akane, smiling.

“Hi.” she said, softly grinning and trying to hide the amused expression on her face, now seeing who they had woken the other night, “I am Souma. I just arrived here last night. You must be Dina’s guest?”
Akane was a bit confused, and replied hesitatingly:
“Y – yes. My name is Akane.”
“I'm sorry we were a bit noisy yesterday.” said Souma gently.
“Don't worry about it.” Akane replied, more at ease, “ Ehm… Dina asked me to tell you Zoran was here a few days ago...."
Another smile curled around Souma's lips as she thought of how nice it would be to see her old friend again.
“Ah yes, Zoran. I used to do business with him alot when Palon Vertas had a more blooming commerce... But the past few years we had more demand elsewhere and Palon Vertas seemed to have grown emptier and emptier. I wonder how he is now though...”
I wonder too... thought Akane.
"Souma, can I ask you something? Do you by any chance have a set of spare clothes i could borrow? They would come in handy while I wash these and bathe...."
"Well..." said Souma hesitating, "I guess I can help you out, I still have some robes left on the ship.... Yes I think I have some nice things there for you." Souma smiled as she saw the muddy hem of Akane's dress, and wondered how anyone could wait that long to look for new clothes.
"Thank you, Souma. I will make it up to you."
"You're a friend of Zoran, I'll be happy to help you out. I will leave the clothes on this rock for you."
Before Akane could say anything, Souma ran off with an elegant leap, her long black hair fluttering behind her.

As her body touched the cool but pleasant streaming water of the Vormus river, Akane closed her ruby red eyes. She let her head sink under the light blue water and heard how her heart was peacefully resonating in her ears. Akane tried to clear her mind after her bad night’s sleep, but it seemed the harder she tried to let go of her worries, the heavier they clung to her.

A whole week…
You could be anywhere in the world and I am still here, waiting… like an idiot….
Waiting for you…

Where are you, Zoran?

Edited by Aranka, 04 February 2009 - 04:39 PM.


#28 Aranka

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Posted 01 January 2009 - 05:32 PM

and another part ;) please feel free to comment :D


.:~*~:.


Zoran felt a great relief when he could discern some lanterns that stood around the tavern and lit it up from a distance. The idea of returning to a civilized place where these incomprehensible adventures didn’t seem to exist, gave him strength. He quickened his pace although his knee caused him a lot of pain.
Zoran walked with a limp towards the entrance door, and as he came closer he could almost feel the warmth of its cosy rooms, almost taste the great stew Dina always makes, almost smell Akane’s perfume when she came near him….



.:~*~:.


Akane turned her head quickly and dropped her fork on her plate as she saw how Souma’s mouth dropped wide open and her blue-green eyes focussed on the entrance door, loudly creaking.

“Good gods, boy! What happened to you?” Dina cried.
In sheer amazement, Akane froze as she saw that Zoran had returned, holding a torn leather bag in his hands. His face and clothes were stained with mud and dirt, and parts of his shirt were torn from scraping against branches in the forest. His face however, made a poorly revealed grin as he saw the look on Akane’s face.

The two men from Souma’s crew, Suraj and Yevhen, rose from the table and walked towards Zoran to greet their old friend.
“Well well, Souma.” said Zoran, widely smiling, “I had no idea you were in town! Long time no see, isn’t it?”
“You’re quite right about that Zoran, although I didn’t wish for you to go through so much trouble just to see me, you know.” she replied with a grin around her lips and a friendly twinkle in her eyes, referring to the state Zoran was in.
“If I see what adventures you risk your neck for, I am glad I switched businesses quite a while ago…” Souma continued, winking at Suraj and Yevhen, who burst into a laugh and helped Zoran further in.
“I am only joking, Zoran…” Souma added to her last comment, “it’s always nice to finally see an old friend again.”

All this time Akane had remained silent, giving her mind the time to realise what happened.
Zoran sat down at the table, and Dina rushed back into the kitchen to fetch him a plate of the stew she had prepared.

“I-I’m glad you came back Zoran.” she said softly, with her head turned down, as Zoran sat in front of her.
“As am I, Akane….as am I….” he replied, gently smiling at her.
“You missed him, didn’t you?” grinned Yevhen, seated next to Zoran.
Akane’s head turned red, and her heart leapt into her throat as she grew nervous.
“But you missed our Zoran too, now didn’t you, Yevhen?” she heard Souma say in a provocative way, and Suraj almost spit his water back out as he was trying not to laugh. The rest of them were loudly laughing, including Yevhen, who gave Souma a soft punch on the shoulder.

The evening grew late, and Dina made clear that everyone should get themselves a nice night’s rest. As Zoran tried to get up as well, Akane made a sign he should stay a bit longer and said:
“Wait a moment please, let me help you a bit.”
She went to her room, and a few moments later she returned with a small pot of herb paste she had mixed together, and a piece of old fabric. Zoran smiled at her and didn’t regret for a moment he had gone through all this trouble. Akane tended his knee with the herb paste and the towel, and helped him to get upstairs.

“Akane, thank you very much.” Zoran said softly.
“Go rest a bit, please. We can talk tomorrow. With the herbs, your knee should get alot better these next few days.” Akane replied quickly, not allowing Zoran to say anything more. Zoran after her, his eyes wandering from her fiery red hair to the dark ruby tunic she wore.
Oh so beautiful….

Edited by Aranka, 04 February 2009 - 01:26 PM.


#29 Roja

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Posted 23 January 2009 - 05:33 PM

Ok, sorry I didn't reply sooner...oh well, you only reply once every few months yourself ;p

Here's more critiques!


Oh, and when you see Souma, tell her that Dina said she would fix you some clothes, huh

This sounds like Dina is giving her the clothes, but it is Souma who is, correct?


“Hi.” she said, softly grinning and trying to hide the amused expression on her face

Why is she amused?


As her body touched the cool but pleasantly streaming water

I think it should be:
As her body touched the cool but pleasant streaming water



Oh but yes of course! I just came back from a trading job in Idaloran last night, just a few days away with my little ship.


Who exactly is this person, Souma? "little ship" here she sounds like she's being sarcastic with a snobbish-elitist tone in her voice. You really need to explain more of her character. Is she a warrior? A noblewoman? what?




One thing, in the first part here, that I find a bit silly is that the secondary characters-Dina & Souma-are coincidentally knowing exactly what Akane wants(clothes, a bath).
Also



“I-I’m glad you came back Zoran.” she said softly, with her head turned away, as Zoran sat in front of her.


If he's sitting in front of her that means her head is to either side-which seems silly. Perhaps her head is down? or she is just not making eye contact?



“You missed him, didn’t you?” grinned Yevhen, seated next to Zoran.

Wouldn't their first thoughts be, "you know each other?"


“Wait a moment please, let me help you a bit.”
She went into the kitchen

This tavern/inn is really quite homey-and a bit out of the ordinary. The inn keeper acts more like a relative to a stranger like Akane..and Akane just walks right into the kitchen like it's her place :)
You really should try explaining this stuff a bit more.

#30 Aranka

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Posted 04 February 2009 - 04:25 PM

I do appreciate your comments alot, as they are often things i didn't think of myself that still need changing and improving.

To make your critiques 'fit' in the story, I changed some things starting from 3 posts ago (so it would be more consistent as you pointed out; and less of those coincidental solutions provided by the side characters.)


here is another part, i highly appreciate all the critiques :icon13:



.:~*~:.


The bright sun gave a warm feel to the dark clothes Zoran was wearing, softly spreading throughout his body, which made him feel lazy and relaxed.
“Well Akane… I know I haven’t been away for too long but there are some things I would like to talk to you about… Importa-”
Akane stared at Zoran in big disbelief, tightly holding the little wooden bench they sat on.
“What do you mean? Not that long? ” she interrupted him, clearly excited by the matter, “You were gone for 8 whole days!!”
“I’m sorry?” he replied, not believing what he had just heard, his eyes somewhat squinting together.
“You had me worried sick!” she yelled in the heat of the moment; not knowing whether she was angry with him for staying away so long without a warning, or happy as he had finally returned.
“Good gods…” he murmured, a bit nervous and struck with awe. His eyes wandered off to his hands, which he observed carefully, as if he had suddenly gained years and they had wrinkled.
Akane felt sorry the instant she had raised her voice at Zoran, and with a sad face she turned towards him and said:
“I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to be shout at you like that…”
“It’s ok…” he replied with a soft smile, “But I swear I was only gone for about a day, Akane… I don’t know how this is possible… I just can’t….I don’t know…
I can’t understand it myself…”

Akane looked at him with regret, because she saw an honest look in his eyes; knowing that he hadn’t lied to her.
“But where have you been then? I can’t think of any places that have a distortion of time or contain such powerful magic.” Akane asked him curiously.
Zoran looked away from her as he hesitated to tell her where he had gone and what he had stolen. Akane could discern a hint of shame as he turned his head from her and the expression in his gray-blue eyes faintly changed.

Zoran told Akane about the small storage house the magic school had, not too far from where they were, and how he had managed to break into it and steal some of the crowns that were there. Akane was surprised, for she had never heard of the storage place before, and had no idea of the powerful magic that was locked inside it.

“Without doubt, that is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard…” Akane said amazed, “and reckless! Imagine what could have happened!”
Zoran grinned and replied:
“But think of all the things that suddenly become possible when these crowns get sold. I estimate there will be enough money to buy you a house and food supplies for the rest of your life… It can widely compensate for the mess I’ve made in your life, and in mine…”
Akane was a bit startled at first, ignorant of the price that people were willing to pay to get their hands on a crown of life, but soon began to dream away with the thought of a nice quiet life in a different region of Irillion. A small garden and a cosy wooden house, close to a village center with friendly people…

“I knew you’d be happy. If you don’t mind I’ll go back inside and rest a bit… I’ll rejoin you again later this afternoon, but at the moment I am still tired and my knee could use some rest too.” said Zoran relieved, as he saw her daydreaming with a vague smile on her face, and gave her a tight hug after which he walked back to the tavern, which was only a moment of walking away.

Akane laid down on the wooden bench, and spent the rest of her afternoon dozing in the sun, with her new, fresh clothes on; now and then humming the melody of a song she had learned as a child, but of which she had forgotten the lyrics long ago.

Edited by Aranka, 05 February 2009 - 12:51 PM.


#31 Roja

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Posted 04 February 2009 - 05:30 PM

Ok those edits make things sound better now :icon13:

Only one crit on the new part:
"his eyes somewhat squeezed together. "

I think you mean squinting? squeezed together really sounds odd. I'd just remove this part, sounds better without.

#32 Aranka

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Posted 05 February 2009 - 12:48 PM

ok thanks :)

Edited by Aranka, 05 February 2009 - 12:49 PM.


#33 Aranka

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Posted 16 February 2009 - 08:06 PM

Here's another part; comments are very welcome!


.:~*~:.


Zoran spent a few days resting, but also thinking on what was to happen next; for he knew he didn’t feel like staying in Palon Vertas any longer than was needed, after what he had been through.
When he was alone, trying to rest, Zoran could hear the voice echoing in his head; not constantly, but when it did he felt a strange shiver running down his body, squeezing his heart together, reminding him of his crime.
Ask yourself stranger…


.:~*~:.

Zoran walked downstairs and saw Souma sitting at one of the wooden tables in the tavern, eating some bread with cheese on it. His head was still a bit weary as he didn’t get a good night’s sleep and it was still early in the morning. There was a candle lit on Souma’s table, and some oil lamps on the counter, which brightened the room up only a little, with a faint glow of orange light.

As Zoran sat in front of Souma, he could see how she smiled, but her eyes were questioning him.
“You’re up early…”
“Yes I have trouble resting properly lately… But you’re up early yourself too.”
Souma grinned and nodded softly.
“Being in Palon Vertas again after all these years reminds me of what it used to be like… Adventurous, exciting… There was a whole world to discover back then… and now that I’m older, I find it harder to stay in the same places… I try to find the old Palon Vertas back, but it looks like its gone forever…” said Souma, smiling in sad way. Zoran was caught off guard; this was not something he had expected of Souma, this kind of nostalgia…
“Seeing Palon Vertas as it is now has made me restless…”
“I always thought you were happy to get away from here Souma… seek for bigger adventures elsewhere….” replied Zoran.
“And I ended up doing ship transports hehe…” she said laughing, “Well it’s just this nostalgic whim; don’t worry about it. As soon as I am on the water again it’ll go away and I’ll feel better.”
Zoran smiled at Souma, but at the same time felt guilty for what he was about to ask her.

“Souma… there’s a favour I need from you really…”
“What is it?” Souma asked curiously.
“I need transport out of Palon Vertas; I got myself into awkward position here and it would be best if I disappeared for a while… there’s a possibility Akane will come along too…” he said uncomfortably.
“Wait a minute… what is it exactly that you did?”
Zoran hesitated to reply, and wondered if it was wise to tell Souma the whole story.

“I eh… I got 3 crowns off the magic school that need to be sold, Palon Vertas would be way too risky… I was thinking along the lines of Aeth Aelfan?”
“For Aluwen’s sake! This must be the most idiotic thing you’ve ever done! Are you seriously thinking you can get away with this? Stealing enchanted crowns off the mages?!?” she hissed at Zoran.
“Please Souma… you must help me… I only did it as a way of repenting for all the trouble I got Akane in. And when I’m able to sell the crowns, I’ll never have to lead this sort of life again…” Zoran explained.
Souma ran her fingers trough her hair and kept a stern expression on her face; her eyes were hard and somewhat cold.
“I will help you get to Aeth Aelfan, Zoran, but realise you are bringing the lives of my crew and myself in danger with your crazy plans… You are going to have to pay us, pay us well….” she said severely.
“Name your price, Souma…”
“I want 2000 gold coins in advance… and 15 percent of what you get from selling the crowns…. And realise, Zoran, that I am really being nice here…” she replied.
“I will get you the money soon, Souma. The gods bless you for your kindness.” Zoran replied, happy with the thought that soon he would have a whole new life… all he had to take care of now was getting 2000 gold coins for Souma, and then his real life would begin.

Edited by Aranka, 16 February 2009 - 08:08 PM.


#34 Aranka

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Posted 03 March 2009 - 09:52 PM

all comments are welcome :whistle:




.:~*~:.


The past few days Zoran’s jumpy reactions had not gone unnoticed by Akane. He looked tired and somewhat pale for his condition, as the exhaustion from that odd adventure ought to have worn off by now. Although Zoran spent many moments with her, talked about his past, and how he had lived of thievery all this time, Akane could tell by his eyes that there was something wrong…
She didn’t find the courage to ask what spooked his mind yet, however. Day after day it became more obvious to her; Zoran had a hard time pretending nothing was bothering him.
Slowly Akane realised that the events that occurred had a strange, somewhat depressing effect on the people that surrounded her. Since yesterday Souma was not the cheerful person Akane knew when he she met her. Suraj and Yevhen sometimes grew quiet at the dinner table; only Dina seemed to notice none of it and continued her daily chores as usual.

Akane walked outside; the wind blew her hair backwards and despite the gray weather she felt a sort of peace in going outside. Wandering around in a slow yet equal pace helped to clear her mind; concentrating on the rhythm silenced her thoughts.

Sitting at a small table near one of the windows, Zoran had seen Akane go outside and decided it was now or never. He would share his mistrust and uneasiness with her, as he could not bear it much longer. He walked outside and waited for about an hour or two, not far from the tavern, on a little wooden bench. It seemed like an eternity had passed during that time.
As he closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands, his elbow leaning on his legs, he recalled so many memories and felt more than ever that he had failed on so many people…. failed his life too…

“Hi there!” he heard Akane’s warm voice say and saw that she sat next to him, watching him in a caring way, “Is everything alright?”
“Akane…” he replied a bit uneasy, “You really caught me off guard there…”
“I did, didn’t I?” a warm smile curled around her lips, but her eyes were asking the questions she was afraid to ask….
What has been going on these last days Zoran?...
Why is it that you sleep so much and yet your body is still craving for more rest…
What is it that you are so afraid to tell me that you seem to wear a mask before me to hide it?...


“Do you feel better yet?” she asked, softly touching his cheeks and forehead with her hand to see if he was feverish.
Zoran sighed deeply and closed his eyes as he gave a little kiss on Akane’s hand whilst it stroke by his cheek.
“I’m not sure how I feel really, it’s complex… I can’t really determine what exactly causes me to feel so strange…”
“Your face is cold Zoran, you didn’t have to wait outside for me that long…. I would’ve come inside sooner or later you know.” Akane said smiling, but a somewhat sad tone in her voice showed how Zoran’s words didn’t go unheard.
Zoran looked down and a small grin appeared; some of his long black hair fell across his face although it was always bound together.
“I guess you could say I feel… uneasy…. Just by being here… in this place… under these circumstances….”
“After what happened…” Akane added softly, staring in front of her.
“I can’t stay here Akane… It reminds me of how poorly I lived my life all these years… what a failure I am…” he explained, looking at the grass to hide his eyes from her.
“I see…”
“I talked to Souma and she agreed to take me and my belongings as far as Aeth Aelfan, for a decent price… Please understand, but I cannot stay here… I cannot live like this anymore…”.
Zoran looked into Akane’s eyes and saw how they contradicted the expression on her face, trying not to give away any emotions.
“The only thing I have to take care of for now is paying a part of the costs to Souma in advance….”
There was a short silence before Zoran continued,
“Have you considered the possibility of joining me?” he asked, knowing there was not much else he could offer her.
Please come Akane… I need you….

Akane turned her head away for a moment and sunk away in her thoughts. Her long red hair hung over her face, softly hiding its expression.
There is not much left for me here… nowhere to go, nothing to do, no life to lead..
What will you do here on your own?


“Yes. I’ll come with you.”

Edited by Aranka, 25 March 2009 - 09:48 PM.


#35 Roja

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Posted 10 March 2009 - 12:47 AM

Ok, next set of critiques :)



as the exhaustion from that odd adventure ought to have worn off by that time.


by now.


Although Zoran spent many moments with her, and talked about life how he had known it, Akane could tell by his eyes that there was something wrong…


this needs to be clarified a bit, do you mean talked about his life? talked about his past? talked about general daily life things?


She didn’t find the courage to ask what spooked his mind yet, herself.


no comma here, but you can keep the commma and replace herself with however, it'd sound better in the context.

Suraj and Yevhen sometimes grew quiet at the dinner table, only Dina seemed to notice none of it and continued her daily chores as usual.


>>Suraj and Yevhen would sometimes grow quiet at the dinner table; only Dina seemed to notice none of it and continued her daily chores as usual.
[quote]

Zoran had seen Akane go outside and decided it was now or never. [/quote]

This part is confusing because we don't know where Zoran is atm..a few setences later he seems to already be outside waiting on a bench, but the way you wrote the first it sounds like he could be inside watching her.

#36 Aranka

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Posted 25 March 2009 - 09:57 PM

Previous part was adjusted,
and here's another ;)
Feel free to comment

- made the suggested changes B)


.:~*~:.


As time slipped by, Zoran and Akane had both gathered a small sum of money that was to pay them their boat trip to Aeth Aelfan, where they could sell the magical crowns Zoran had stolen and start a new life. Before Akane realised it all too well both she and Zoran became little yet infamous criminals in Palon Vertas, widely known for their cunning manoeuvres and decoys.

Never had people heard of thieves who managed to pull off such tricks, and the strange thing was that these events only lasted for about two weeks.
Most of the time Akane and Zoran would summon birds or other small animals, and send them to a store to distract the shopkeeper, resulting in quite a chaos. Whilst this was happening, Zoran would pretend to be a by passer who happened to see the whole commotion and came to offer help, while Akane cast an invisibility spell and quickly looked for money and other valuables.
When they then both rejoined at the rendez-vous point Zoran’s eyes would twinkle and his happiness would brighten up Akane’s spirits; as bit by bit she came to forget her past life and enjoyed the new one.
Her withered memories faded away; and secretly she dreamt of this new world she would discover, with Zoran.

Life uncomplicated when she was around him; he had a way of putting things in such a perspective, that the crimes they committed seemed natural, and the longer she thought about it, the more she agreed with his point of view. They stole only what they needed, no fancy things.
The people from who they stole often did not lack any money, having so much of it that they could easily live in the same luxury as they had before Akane and Zoran dropped by.
Having become such infamous crooks in the neighbourhood; she wondered if what they did was really a crime.

Not that it really mattered though, they would soon be forgotten, as they left for Aeth Aelfan.





.:~*~:.


Akane stood at the front of the ship’s deck, enjoying the sun on her face, smiling.
A soft breeze blew through her hair, fluttering around her face.
Aeth Aelfan, Home to the elves…
Is it really as beautiful as they say?

Zoran glanced at her from his shadowy corner, still somewhat worried about Souma’s strange reaction about this voyage.
She had spoken to him in a strange, unexpected way, as if she could feel there was something not right about it; as if Souma somehow knew about the strange things that had happened while he was in that dark, magical room.
Souma had a way of sensing risky business, she always had, but it troubled Zoran that Souma had sensed it this time, too…
To his notion the worst part was already over,
Or not…

“Boo!” Yevhen had snuck up to Akane and gave her a little push, so that it seemed she had lost balance and was about to fall overboard.
“Don’t fall, now.” He laughed, clearly pleased with his little joke.
“You idiot!” said Akane a bit mad, but laughing; pushing him around with all her force.

Souma grinned faintly as she saw Akane’s reaction, and watched how Palon Vertas faded away and the scenery made room for the more savage and wild view of Kusamura.
To comfort herself, she thought of all the repairs and renovations she could make on her ship. A railing carved out of ebony wood, deck reparations, decorated sails even, if she felt like it. The sound of fluttering sails brought her mind at peace.
Yet there was something telling her that it wouldn’t go quite like she wanted it….

Edited by Aranka, 03 May 2009 - 06:33 PM.


#37 Aranka

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Posted 03 May 2009 - 04:27 PM

comments are welcome :pirate:

- made the corrections that were suggested :icon13:

.:~*~:.


Souma’s piercing eyes wandered off to the distant horizon, her face hard and pale. As she scrutinized the sky she noticed the change of direction in the wind.
Not good,
Not good at all.


She felt a warm hand on her shoulder, and turned her head swiftly to look who it was.
“Souma, you shouldn’t look so angry at the sky, it’s all clear. Relax a bit, you’re scaring me.” said Suraj, curling his lips into a comforting smile.
It’s not the sky…
“You’re probably right.” Souma replied quietly.
It’s the wind.

Night fell, and Souma kept staring with her solemn face, in the distance, as the wind brushed through her hair.
We may have another day, two perhaps.
But the winds are catching up incredibly fast…





.:~*~:.


Akane wrestled in her sleep, the sound of water sloshing against the ship made her restless.
Far off she heard a deep male voice yelling, overpowered by the roaring wind.
“Take in the sails for gods’ sake!”
Souma’s face turned pale and a sad expression marked her eyes as she saw one of the sails ripping.
Dark clouds had gathered over Kusamura, and announced the coming of a storm, as the trees were bending under the power of the wind. The ship rocked abruptly here and there, hitting some small rocks or broken trees.

Zoran woke abruptly, hitting his head because of the ship’s turbulence. As he hurried outside, he tried not to fall; stretching his hands out for walls and furniture to support him.
“For the love of gods, what is happening Souma?” he yelled when he saw the dark sky hanging over Kusamura, and felt how the storm was making the ship steerless.
“We’re in a bit of a crisis here, Zoran, please save whatever you can. We probably won’t make it with the ship still in a seaworthy condition.” she said sternly.
“Well that’s no big problem, we’re only doing rivers, right?” he tried to joke, but Souma gave him a devastating look.
“Don’t be such an ass and help a bit, will you?”
“Souma, I’m sorry, I.. What happened? The sky was perfectly clear last night.”
“Well…” said Souma ironically “In the distance there were some strange things going on, but overnight the weather changed and I guess it sneaked up on us while we were sleeping.”
Her hair was clinging to her face, partially hanging down in black, soaked strings because of the rain; which made a loud, ticking sound on the ship’s deck.
Souma angrily pushed some rope into Zoran’s hands and ran to the other side of the ship, taking a look at the damage.
It’s your fault, and you know it, Zoran
Worst of all, I knew it too.

She thought bitterly.

“No wind can go that fast…” Zoran murmured unaudible, and a tight feeling crept into his chest.

Ask yourself stranger...

Edited by Aranka, 03 May 2009 - 06:30 PM.


#38 Roja

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Posted 03 May 2009 - 06:05 PM

Hi, glad to see more from you :P A magical storm..this should be interesting!



he had a way of putting things in such a perspective, that the crimes they committed seemed but naturally,


seemed natural,



before Akane and Zoran dropped by...
she wondered if what they did was really a crime…
they would soon be forgotten, as they left for Aeth Aelfan....
but it troubled Zoran that Souma had sensed it this time, too…
To his notion the worst part was already over…
Or not…


Try not to use ellipsis(...) too often. There's a ton more too aside from these I quoted, they should be periods. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellipsis


Souma angrily pushed some roped


rope

#39 Aranka

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 01:00 AM

Feel free to comment :cry:

.:~*~:.

Souma moaned and felt the daylight stinging as she tried to open her eyes. She tried to get up and felt two strong arms lifting her.
“Had a nice rest?” Yevhen teased her, as he tried to get her up.
“Cough for me Souma, you swallowed some nasty stuff I bet.” he said, gently hitting her back as she coughed it up.
“For heaven’s sake” she muttered, “What more adventures will we come across? I’ve quite had enough I think. Imagine Dina’s face when she hears this.”
Yevhen’s pleasant laugh made her momentarily forget exactly what had happened the night before, but she remembered the monstrous lightning all too well. She buried her face in her hands as she recalled the image of the ship burning, and all of them trying to save whatever was possible from its load. All she remembered then was the biting feel of the cold, black water and her body slowly giving up fighting against the creeping darkness; being dragged away in the current.

Akane woke and inspected her body for more mosquito bytes besides the ones on her arms, where bruises started to show.
A whole lot further by the river laid Souma’s ship on its side, stranded and severely damaged by last night’s storm: the sail was torn to shreds and covered with dirt from the stranding, a lot of the woodwork broken or damaged.
Poor Souma...



.:~*~:.


Zoran sat by himself, staring with a blank gaze to the ground as he had put his arms around his legs.
Steal of need or steal of greed…
That was the question grinding in his head, making his body a numb piece of lead.
I should’ve stopped at one…One would have been enough…
Zoran thought, slightly panicking. He buried his hands in his hair, trying to hide his face at the same time as he could not believe what he had done to himself and the people he cared about.
Losing the second crown while leaving the ship in the middle of the storm had been though to endure, but the realization that struck Zoran now, was beyond everything he had ever felt in his life.
Coward that I am; I cannot tell her about it, or anyone for that matter.

“He’s looking pretty gloomy, isn’t he?” Suraj pointed out, while poking with a piece of wood in the small fire they had started.
Souma’s face was grim and weary.
“He’s made a rather massive miscalculation, and is paying for it now... It better not be the bloody loss of that one crown that makes him mope like that. If we are honest about this, we all can acknowledge a very strange thing happened last night.” she muttered angrily.
“And strange things don’t just happen like that either.” she added.
“I think if Suraj, you and I gather our savings and save some items that were on the ship, we can maybe start over and rent a ship.” Yevhen tried, putting a comforting arm around her.
“Yeah Souma, I’m sure we’ll find a way.” replied Suraj, his deep brown eyes carrying a hint of concern.


.: ~*~:.


It took several, long days for the impasse fade and for all of them to realise that even though they hadn’t quite gotten over what happened, it was time to change the sorry state they were in. Time to look ahead, as it seemed they still had quite a journey to go before they reached the nearest civilized area. Organising the party to provide for a sleeping place and food was a lot harder now that they were stranded in Kusamura jungle.

Yevhen twisted the fumbled part of paper that was left from the map he kept in his pocket around, trying to determine their position. Souma curiously peeked over his shoulder, trying not to make any sounds, so he would stay focussed.
“And, what does it say?” Akane informed carefully, as she laid a hand on Souma’s shoulder.
“Well... We’ll have to head for Emerald Valley, that’s quite sure, but it might be tricky to get over the rocks bordering it. We’ll have to prepare as well as we can.”
Suraj pointed at the packs of fabric they found at the riverbed, some days after the storm.
“It’s not half the quality it used to be, let alone fit for clothing anymore, but I’m sure we can use it in some way. As a blanket, perhaps make carrying bags out of it, you tell me.” He explained optimistically.
“Okay, let’s do this.” Souma added.

#40 Aranka

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 01:21 AM

And some more :cry: critiques are very much appreciated


.:~*~:.


As they travelled towards Emerald Valley’s rocky hills, only the jungle sounds and the saturated noise of their footsteps in the mud pierced the awkward silence.
Hours would pass and occasionally Zoran and Akane whispered to eachother, but the athmosphere was tight and hostile. None of them was quite sure if it was the heavy journey through the jungle that caused it, or something else perhaps.
The general mood was grim, especially since now that they were deep inside the jungle. As they continued, it became harder and harder to find food or suitable resting places, and the air grew denser.

A notion of time was hard to keep; the thick leaves blocked out most of the daylight an prevented the circulation of fresh air. The air felt always moist and thick to move through, and the lack of natural daylight or change in scenery was enough to make anyone gloomy after whole days of marching.
Akane would often gather herbs and plants along the way, and use her knowledge to make boosting drinks or compresses for small wounds and blisters.
Making a fire seemed impossible; the wood was never able to dry enough.
The mud and marshes were a tiring struggle to get past, and it often seemed as if they had passed the same places over and over again.



.:~*~:.


Suraj laughed in relief when he saw daylight pouring through the leaves and noticed the density of the bushes became much thinner just a few steps ahead.

“Sweet Gods!” Souma cried, and the sparkle came back into her eyes.
“You two are amazing!” she continued, ruffling Suraj’s hair and patting Yevhen in the back.
Akane smiled and enjoyed the feel of fresh air against her cheeks; the sunlight on her pale skin. She looked back and noticed how Zoran’s expression relaxed a bit, although he had been very reluctant all this time.

Their journey would continue north, where Emerald Valley became greener; where the villages were. Emerald Valley’s Barren Lands were dry and although the area was rather flat and easy to walk through after the mountainous border, the dusty wind and stale sun made it hard for them to travel the relatively small distance to a populated area.

“How much longer?” Akane asked as the sky grew dark and it became chilly; rubbing her arms to warm up a bit.
“Maybe it’s a good idea to call it a day.” Yevhen suggested, eager to sit down and rest a bit.
Suraj quickly dropped his backpack on the ground, and started unpacking the fabric they used for sheltering; trying to make a subtle statement.
“Yes, please.” Zoran said with a cracking voice; a feeble but honest smile curled around his lips. Akane turned around and looked at him, smiling back. She had almost forgotten the soothing sound of his voice, after the gloomy days that had passed.

Suraj quickly set up an improvised low tent between two piles of rocks he had assembled, with on the fabric’s tips some rocks to prevent it from flying away.
After Souma’s mumbled threats that anyone who would touch her would receive a punch where it hurt most, it grew quiet and all they could hear was the crying wind, and a bit later Suraj’s horrible snoring and some muffled giggling.
Akane may still with her eyes closed and half asleep when she felt the touch of a warm body against her, and Zoran softly put his arm around her.
She smiled secretively and fell asleep by listening to the relaxing pace of his breathing, the warmth of his arm around her; protective and loving.




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