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Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Butt Whuppin: *eldwen sent me*

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Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,

North-easterners, North-westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

 

1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get

your butt kicked.

 

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a

diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they

know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.

 

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so just shut up. Just

spend your money and get out of here, or we'll kick your butt.

 

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's

called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.

Pepper, 7-Up or whatever ... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise

can lead to a butt kicking.

 

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.Welty,

Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.

Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your butt.

 

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton,

Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do,

sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill

Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not

dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate.

If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her butt.

 

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet

and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle,

you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone

Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your butt.

 

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez,

Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your butt.

 

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know

that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits with gravy, like God intended. And

eat your grits, no hash browns.

 

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know

better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,

and D. C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,

Delta, US Airways and/or our favorite, Southwest, is ready when you are.

Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.

 

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we

don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we

are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's

all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your butt.

 

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes

or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,

we'll kick your butt all the way back to Boston Harbor.

 

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors

open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are

expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little

gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your butt just

like they did ours.

 

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the

countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,

smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make

fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.

 

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to

cook barbecue. This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked).

You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and

you will go home in a pine box ... minus your butt.

:twisted:

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And now for visiting the Northeast (AKA New England).

 

1) You must talk faster than 10 words a minute.

2) You must always appear to be in a rush, even if you are not.

3) You must not fake a Boston or New York accent. Both are really annoying, even authentic ones.

4) You must leave your shotgun at home.

5) You must not insult our roofs. Concrete beats tin any day.

6) You must not insult our means of transportation. Segways, cars, and the metro beats horse any day.

7) You must not be racist.

8) You must remember your manners. Despite the stereotypes, people in the Northeast (AKA New England) are generally nice.

9) You must not walk across the road in the city at will. Nobody likes hitting a redneck that jumps out in front of their car, especially if they're on the way to work.

10) You must not block traffic. That is what the shoulders are for.

11) You must not assume people are uneducated. We have Harvard, Yale, MIT, and other great colleges here.

12) You must pack a coat, long pants, gloves, a hat, and shoes if travelling here in the winter.

13) You must leave your banjo at home.

14) You must not say such Southern phrases such as "Well, I'll be darned!" These phrases are even more annoying than an accent.

15) You must follow all rules stated above.

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Now for paying Holland a visit :cry::

 

1. Don't wear wooden shoes or whatever... We don't wear them, not since the middleages that is... The only exception is during some sort of (sports-) event.

 

2. When there's ANY form of sports on, cheer for Holland. Even if they're not playing. Failing to do so WILL get you tortured to near-death.(yes NEAR-death, we aren't barbarians..)

 

3. Eat cheese like your life depends on it. Just do it, you either eat cheese or don't eat at all.

 

4. Once you cross our borders, you're Dutch. Screw your original culture, you're Dutch now.

 

5. Don't eat stuff like cornflakes or whatever for breakfast. Eat bread, or eat nothing at all.

 

6. Here in Holland, we worship black people... We really do.. We're the opposite of America, us original Dutch ppl are driven to the suburbs, and the government takes the black side... So basically, a black guy can stick a knife in your throat, and if u slap him, u get arrested.

 

7. Lotsa water here, use it to dump dead birds/rats/people. Keep Holland clean.

 

8. You don't speak Dutch, you die.

 

Blitzo

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another southern visit..

1. when going to church, pick the wrong denomination and you DIE.(by crusifiction of course)

2. Complain about the monopoly on entertainment/internet access down here and you get bitch slapped. We know about this monopoly already.

3. Wondering out loud about why you can see 6 miles on most days because of an absence of smog will get stares.

4. Waiting for snow will also get you slapped.

5. Unless your Old, drunk, or heavily religious DONOT come and live here.

6. ANY comment about the weather will get you decked. We see tonradoes almost every day so dont be surprised to see our grandparents sitting on the porch while they watch the house across the street get destroyed.

7. Eat grits or DIE.

8. Donot think that southern hospitality is a true steriotype, some of us will shoot on sight.

9. Being an animal rights/wilderness/game warden will get you shot.

10. NEVER WEAR A SUIT.

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Now for paying Holland a visit :):

3. Eat cheese like your life depends on it. Just do it, you either eat cheese or don't eat at all.

Blitzo

 

Umm, I guess that's very important, you guys even have cheese slicers :)

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ways to not get shot in South California:

1: never say dude

2: never complain about the smog, we already fucking know

3: Never say we have a movie star running the state, again, we already fuckin know

4: never try to surf at the wedge if u cant surf, ull get shot and be turned into chum

5: never talk in a boston accent

6: dont say this to a hobo: "ur not homeless, get ur ass up and oof the street"

7:dont try and use gangster language even to white people...

8: be poor, trust me u DONT want to be rich

9:blast music, no not that country bull shit, hardcore rock

10: allways drink untill ur plastered...NEVER EVER STOP before u pass out, because ull get fucked up

11: dont be gay, because ull get: shot,slashed,grinded,beat, get a GOOD southern ass whooping, and the MOST IMPORTANT THING!!

12: NEVER EVER say SOUTH CALIFORNIA is PART of CALIFORNIA!!! or ull just be fucked

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hmmz well, cing that california was the 1st state to allow gay people to marry each other i disagree with number 11 and u can come try to take me i got my shootgun ready for ya :)

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lol what the heck... :wink:

Yoshi south California is part of California last time i looked at a map..

:twisted:

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NO NO NO!! JK, we are a different breed, we have more mexicans than white people in our towns... :shock:

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they prefer not to be called mexicans, rather people of the spanish race, spaniards, gansta'z, or the classic "no, hey man that is my car" men.

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Now for paying Holland a visit ;):

3. Eat cheese like your life depends on it. Just do it, you either eat cheese or don't eat at all.

Blitzo

 

Umm, I guess that's very important, you guys even have cheese slicers :D

 

Ehhh... u guys don't? What u scrape it off with your teeth or something?

 

Hmmz that's actually a good idea.

*Fetches a block of cheese and starts scraping*

Yummy! ;)

 

Blitzo

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we have cheese slicers. i once got a HUGE cut on my thumb from the cheese slicer. luckily none of the blood got on the cheese.

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they prefer not to be called mexicans, rather people of the spanish race, spaniards, gansta'z, or the classic "no, hey man that is my car" men.

um no, in south california they are mexicans because THEY ARE FROM MEXICO, call them spanards and they get pissed and shoot you.

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rules of visting new mexico:

 

learn to jump a fench quickly

 

learn how to use a switch blade

 

learn how to hot wire a car in 30 seconds

 

never go outside with black on you die or be shot :D

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lol, ok, in my old history book there was a picture that said sometihng like " mexicans outside of *some city* wait for dark to hope the fence and run to america* it showed a pictute of people jumping the border.

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