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Garnoo

Emerald Valley ancient caves

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Emerald Valley ancient caves:

 

 

It was a dark night and i was entering in Emerald Valley after a few days of traveling without the smallest brake. A creature crossed my path but I couldn't define exactly what it was because in my eyes it was only a shape. My right hand was holding tight the handle of the cutlass waiting to strike down the creature from the dark. It came closer, and closer and closer then when I saw it the only thing I did was to smile and relax...it was a feran.

After a long walk through the valley i found an inn and i entered. Inside was warm and fine, at the bar a middle aged female gnome with a green shirt asked me: “What brings you to my inn stranger?”; “I've been traveling for days and I'm very tired. Can I have a room?”; “Well I'm very sorry all the rooms are full.”she said “But if you are really so desperate I can let you sleep in the cellar.”; “All right. As long as I don't sleep outside it's fine for me. How much will this cost?”; “Let's say 10 gold coins?”. I gave her the money and she showed me the way to the cellar.

Inside there was an old shelf holding a few barrels full of wine, a few crates, some tools and a few bags with wooden logs. I fell on the floor in the right next moment and started to sleep. Later that night i heard a big sound like something crashed down. I woke up immediately and looked around...the whole shelf with the barrels was broken, the barrels too and wine was spreading everywhere on the floor. In the place the shelf was now it was the entrance to some caves. I figured in my mind that there must have been a reason for someone to hide that entrance so I started to walk slowly inside and when I gotten far enough something bitted me from the back. I quickly drew my cutlass and stroked back and when i looked a skeleton was lying broken on the ground.”Holy crap!” I said. I walked further inside but being more careful and listening every sound. Then another skeleton appeared in front of me. He was wearing an old rusty armor and a broken sword, his breath was colder than the winter and his bones were showing that he lived before the Great War. I stroke him down and walked even further inside.

I was hearing something like the swing of a pickaxe so I followed the sound. The more got further the more the sound was stronger. After ten minutes of walking which seemed an eternity then I saw a dwarf mining iron. I got closer and he stopped mining and looked at me: “Who are you?” he asked; “I'm Garnoo, a simple traveler seeking his way to Irsis.” I answered; “Those caves do not lead to Irsis.”; “Well I was sleeping in the inn cellar and I saw the entrance here.”; “There is an exit!?” he looked so surprised; “Well since we got in then there must be one.”; “Then I beg you lead me to it, I have been trapped inside here for 4 years.”; “All right, it will be my pleasure.”.He opened a torch and I finally saw him clearly: He was wearing some rough old clothes, he had no shoes and his feet were dirty and full of mud, his beard was long, gray and very dirty and he was carrying an old rusty pickaxe and some iron ores.

We started to walk back to the cellar and five armed skeletons appeared in our front. One of them which seemed to be some kind of leader said with a voice that sounded more like a scream: “No one exits our ancient caves alive!”. Me and the dwarf started to fight them...The leader was so strong that took me half an hour to defeat him.

At last we saw the exit to the cellar...

The next morning I told the entire story to the female gnome and she spoke to me about the legends of the ancient caves. After she finished I said goodbye and I continued my way to Irsis. Then I met the dwarf again who gave me a strange shiny medallion saying: “Thanks for freeing me, I will never forget your deeds. I think you need this medallion more than I do. Thanks again and good luck on your travels.”.... One question still remains: How did the old dwarf survive in there 4 years?

 

I'm submitting this test story for consideration for the team.

Edited by Garnoo

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I really like the whole idea and concept for this story!

However it needs to be expanded upon a whole lot more than what you've got here. What you've written so far is more like a summary.

 

You can really add a lot of character personality:

-the warrior guy who enters the cellar(who is he? where does he come from?)

-How he find the entrance to the caves..why would the wall just crumble down? Doesn't make much sense

-More story on the dwarf

-More happenings in the cave

 

A good story for you to read to see how to work with characters better and to get more involved in a story is to read this one written by Enly:

http://www.eternal-lands.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=35271

 

It's always best to learn how to write by reading, in addition to practicing writing :(

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Yes, it's quite good :P

 

A lot more detail needed though. And even though it's a test story, you'll have to be careful not to make grammar and spelling mistakes. I see quite a few there. Try putting it through a spelling check. :P

 

 

-Sistema

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A good story for you to read to see how to work with characters better and to get more involved in a story is to read this one written by Enly:

http://www.eternal-lands.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=35271

 

:D well thats flattering.... :pinch:

 

I agree with Roja though, great start for a story, my advice is to format it a little better as well. Different text in dialouge should be on its own line, I'll take a little part of your text to demonstrate:

 

“What brings you to my inn stranger?”

“I've been traveling for days and I'm very tired. Can I have a room?”

“Well I'm very sorry all the rooms are full.” she said

“But if you are really so desperate I can let you sleep in the cellar.”

“All right. As long as I don't sleep outside it's fine for me. How much will this cost?”

“Let's say 10 gold coins?” I gave her the money and she showed me the way to the cellar.

 

See what I mean? That is more of the standard format for a story, and MUCH easier to read. :icon13:

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I finished the story and I hope you like this one more:

 

Emerald Valley Ancient caves

 

Chapter 1: The past

 

 

Before the Great War, a few dwarves were living in the caves of Emerald Valley. They were led by Blakyr, a powerful dwarf believed to be the son of Glilin because of his experience in crafting, manufacturing and mining. Blakyr had a palace deep inside the mountains and he could get inside the mines through an entrance placed in his gardens.

They were getting lots of gold with each passing day for selling their great supplies of iron and sulfur.

When the Great War came they were called to fight for Glilin but Mortos sent his necromancers to curse them to become monsters. The dwarves were ambushed on the pass to Idaloran when the spell was put on them. Feeling the changes happening to them because of the curse, they decided to go back to their mines and seal themselves inside...Blakyr told them to destroy his palace and hide the other entrances with rocks or whatever they found at hand.

 

Chapter 2: The Dwarf

 

Time passed and only a few tales remain about the mines. A new town was built in the valley. Growack was a middle aged dwarf whose life was dedicated to finding those caves. He read carefully every legend from every book about the forgotten caves and finally figured out how he could get inside.

He contacted a mage and asked him to teleport both of them to a place on the mountains which seemed nonsensical for the mage but he did it anyway. To his surprise, they both found themselves in some old gardens...

“I told you...” said Growack.

“I can't believe my eyes!” said the mage. "That took a lot out of me. Bringing us here has dangerously weakened me. I will not be able to teleport us out of here. I can barely stand on my own and I am completely defenseless."

The entrance to the caves was in front of them. When they entered, an armed skeleton jumped them from behind, killing the mage. Growack managed to run and hide somewhere inside and was never heard from again...

 

Chapter 3: The warrior

 

“Such a young human,” thought Elwhan, the leader of the elves from Idaloran woods. Phlan was a young adventurer who was working to get money for potions that would make his ill grandfather feel better. He always wore the same things: a skunk hat, some farmer clothes, iron chain mail, leather boots, a fur cape and his cutlass. Elwhan sent him to deliver a letter to the leader of the elves in Irsis.

He traveled the whole day... It was a dark night when he reached Emerald Valley and he was tired and hungry. Something crossed his path but he could only see a shape in the dark, so he drew his cutlass and approached slowly. When he was close enough, he calmed down and walked further...it was only a feran.

“I'm too tired. I must find a place to sleep...”

After a short walk he saw an inn and entered.

“What brings you to my inn stranger?” asked the female gnome at the bar.

“I've been traveling for days and I'm very tired...Can I have a room?”

“I am so sorry, but all the rooms are taken. If you don't mind where you sleep, I can let you sleep in the cellar.”

“All right! How much will it be?”

“Ten gold coins.”

Phlan gave her the money and she showed him the way to the cellar. Inside there were tools, boxes full of meat and vegetables, a rickety old shelf groaning under the weight of several barrels full of wine and some other things.

He was so tired that he fell asleep right on the floor.

Later that night, a powerful sound woke him up...he looked around and saw that the whole shelf had fallen down under the weight of the barrels exactly as he expected and wine was spreading everywhere on the floor. Phlan wanted to go to the gnome and tell her when he noticed that where the shelf had been was now the entrance to a cave.

“Why would someone want to hide a cave?” Phlan asked himself while entering.

He walked deeper into the cave looking this way and that when something struck him from behind. He quickly turned with his cutlass in his hand striking from the left...he heard something like some bones crashing down and he saw the remains of a skeleton on the ground...

“HOLY CRAP!” he cried. "That startled me!"

He started to walk again, but this time more carefully and with his right hand gripping his cutlass handle. After a few more minutes of walking, he brushed against the wall causing it to collapse. Under the weight of the rubble, he fell down unconscious...

Later that night, he found himself in a small room dimly lit by a feeble torch. Near him, a dwarf was standing.

“Who are you?” Phlan quickly jumped to the other side of the room.

“Calm down...you aren't fully recovered yet, just take a seat and let me explain things...” said the dwarf.

“All right...”

“I am Growack, you most probably haven't heard about me. I studied for twenty years the tales and legends about these caves...” he stopped for a second “...and I found a way to get inside... With the help of a mage, we teleported to an entrance situated in the mountains... Unfortunately, the mage didn't make it...”

“Tell me more about these caves, why were they sealed?” asked Phlan whose interest peaked up.

“During the Great War, the dwarves who lived here were cursed to roam as skeletons forever, but before the curse completely transformed them, they sealed all the entrances so they couldn't harm anyone.” Growack approached the torch and Phlan managed to see him...A middle aged dwarf with a very long beard full of debris, dressed in some rough clothes, carrying a rusty pickaxe, a few books and a sack full of iron, his bare feet were full of mud and he was covered with scars.

“How long have you been trapped here?” asked Phlan.

“Ehhh... For four years my dear boy...for four years...”

“How did you survive?”

“Surprisingly, I found plenty of crates full of food and as for water...the water I drink from the lake”

“LAKE!?”

“Yeah. An underground lake...By the way how did you get inside?”

“Well, I was sleeping in the cellar of an inn and an old shelf crashed down revealing the entrance.”

“You mean...there's an exit!?”

“Well sure or I wouldn't have gotten inside” said Phlan a little surprised at the question.

“Then I beg you to lead me out...I can't take this anymore!”

“All right just show me how we get outside this house...”

“This is no house..this is one of the towers that was part of Blakyr's palace...you only need to climb down the ladder.”

They both climbed down and started to walk to the exit. After walking a ways, seven skeletons appeared.

“Oh no...not again,” said Phlan.

A skeleton, wearing a rusty old iron plate, a broken emerald claymore, a rough royal red cape and a broken old golden crown came face to face with Phlan.

“NOONE EXITS OUR CAVES ALIVE!” he said...his breath was like a death song, his voice was like a hundred screams and flesh could still be seen on his body.

“RUN! The exit is just around the corner!” Phlan told Growack while drawing his cutlass.

Growack ran while Phlan fought with the skeletons that had once been mighty dwarves. After several failed hits, he managed to take down two skeletons but the skeleton king wounded him too greatly. He couldn't fight anymore, so he ran to the exit where Growack was waiting for him. They both grabbed some crates and covered the entrance.

“Thank you boy! I owe my life to you and I'd like you to have this Medallion of Life. It is a pretty valuable thing that can grant life power to the one who wears it, this is the least I can do for you.” said Growack.

“This would surely help my grandfather. Thank you very much for it.”

“It is not a big deal compared to what you did for me...ehhh...I wish the world would have more people like you, but no...most of them are rude and selfish. Thank you again and I hope our paths will cross again.”

“Good bye and good luck!” said Phlan and he climbed up and walked back to the inn.

Inside at the bar, the gnome was waiting very worried:

“I've heard several crashes and a lot of noise downstairs. What happened? Are you all right?”

“Yes, thank you. I have come to say good bye and to thank you for your kindness for I must continue on my way to Irsis.”

“Good bye to you too.”

Phlan resumed walking to Irsis thinking of all that had happened in just one night. THE END!

 

I tried to do all things you suggested :happy:

 

EDIT: Spelling, grammar and what Roja suggested i should correct

Edited by Garnoo

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Ok, I finally got time to read this. It's MUCH better, but it still needs some polishing up! Here are the things I picked up on:

They needed time to get transformed so they agreed to go back to their mines and seal themselves inside..

 

They needed time to get transformed? This doesn't make sense. I am guessing you mean that it will take some time for the curse to affect them, but the way you wrote it it sounds like the dwarves themselves are wanting to transform into something for their own benefit.

 

 

Hundreds of years passed and only...

 

The great war was only a couple years ago :P

 

When they entered, a skeleton jumped from the back and killed the mage.

This sounds kinda silly. If someone's going to die you should make it sound more eventful..a stronger force, not just one old skeleton :)

 

 

He always wore the same equipment: a skunk hat, some farmer clothes, iron chain mail, leather boots, a fur cape and his cutlass.

I wouldn't call a skunk hat and farmer clothes "equipment".

...he looked around and saw that the whole shelf had fellen

*fallen

 

He walked about twelve minutes when something struck him from behind.

No need to say an exact time frame here, it doesn't sound very good. Instead just say something like "a short while or distance"

 

 

“HOLY CRAP!” he cried.

If he's a warrior, why would he be so suprised at a skeleton? Maybe put "holy crap, that scared me!" like as if he was jsut not expecting it to jump out at him.

 

 

Inside at the bar, the gnome was waiting very worried:

“I've heard what happened. Are you all right?”

How did the gnome hear what happened? He just climbed out of the cellar.

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