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Grogan

The War for Nordcarn

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At the Eleven Camp in Lakeside, the General Nirdil was drinking from his chalice of wine. Numerous others were sewing holes in his armor, and yet others sharpening his blades. Perhaps in this battle I will actually fight, thought Nirdil. He put down his golden cup and observed their hard work. He was content with their effort, and decided to go for a walk before the action heated up. "I'll be back everbody. Just going for a stroll." And with that he walked out.

 

The general could see many sights. He saw his troops training hard in this day's hot and humid air. He saw many others getting their equipment ready. The elves were going to be ready for this war. He knew it. Along came one of Nirdil's commanders to greet him. It was Commander Lenon. He was Nirdil's favorite. Always getting the job done. The two saluted each other. "How are you sir?" The large elf asked, dusting himself off. "Very fine thank you Lenon. Just wanted to go for a walk and get some fresh air." Nirdil replied. The two started down a path to Nordcarn. The gnomes were expecting them this morning.

 

At the Dwarven camp in present-day Mynadar, a scout was charging up the road on his two little legs. He went to his Captain's tent and reported his findings. "Sir, we got a ton of Humans sailing in from Desert Pines. They have hoisted their flag. We need to get some men ready at the docks. The will be down the river any second now." The scout said out of breath. His Captain Delric got his gear together. "Very well Doctun. I will give the order. Now get your armor and weapons ready, and meet the rest at your battle station." And the Captain strode from the tent only after recieving a salute from Doctun.

 

The Human Camp in Corren was nearly empty except for a few officers making war decisions. The head of the operations, Marshall Kinlin, laid out a map of Mynadar. "We have troops sailing down the Nordflaq river toward Nordcarn. If we can take Mynadar first, we have secured our victory for the most part. We have the main dwarven camp there, and our scouts haven't seen any dwarves left in Nordcarn. They must have went to Whitestone to fight off the advancing elves. Our company of Draegoni are coming into Nordcarn from Tarsengaard. We should have the main city by dawn. The gold mine will be easier. Our scouts are positive that there aren't dwarves in there." Kinlin finished. The other officers nodded their approval and went to their tents to prepare.

 

Back at Mynadar, the dwarves were fighting fiercely. Their arrows were raining down on the army of Humans approaching the city. Before the archers' ranks were swordsmen and axemen and other melee soldiers who were battle hardened and ready. One raised his titanium axe. "The first have landed. Let them fear Dvar!" He shouted. And the infantry marched towards the advancing Humans. They suffered horrible casualties, but their love for their cities made them overcome the odds, and when the day was done, the dwarves had kept the city. Elves pushing up from Whitestone into Norcarn were met by Gnomes. The battle was long and hard, lasting three days straight with no determined winner. Each side suffered over 30,000 casualties, but in the end, the elves had retreated back to their camp. The Draegoni were advancing from Tarsengaard, and the Orchans from Morcraven Marsh. The Draegoni met no resistance into Mynadar, but the night they slept, the dwarves staged an attack on the encampment in their city, while many others ran through the Elavro Mountains and destroyed their main camp in Tarsengaard. The Humans, Elves, and Draegoni surrendered, leaving the Orchans to fight the Gnomes and Dwarves. The Orchans marched through Portland, being picked on by Gnomish archers and various prisoners they captured. When the Orchans got to Whitestone City, an army of Dwarves and Gnomes were ready. The battle was bloody. The first line of dwarves was destoryed in a matter of seconds. The smaller races teamed up on Orchans, and eventually beat their challengers. The Orchans had to be completely destroyed. Even the last one went down fighting as hard as he could.

 

And that is a story of overcoming your enemies.

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The thing about this story is that it has a dual personality. The first half is a personal, character-driven narrative, where it takes four paragraphs to cover a short moment in time and a lot of names are mentioned.The second half is a quick pseudo-historical summary of a long battle that lasted three days, in which no names are mentioned and none of the characters we see introduced are developed - all in one paragraph.

 

The sense of time and scope is all wrong. You need to pick one or the other, and stick to it. Either tell it as a story about the people leading the war, or as a mythic account of a historical event. This half-half thing is almost impossible to pull off unless you're a very skilled writer or have done immense amounts of preparation, or both. (Tolkien is a good example of someone who managed to do it. But it took him 12 years and 3 massive novels, plus assorted other stories. You're nowhere near that... so my suggestion is to settle on one style first.)

 

And remember Roja's comments on your earlier story about not affecting EL's history in any major way.

 

-Lyn-

 

EDIT: In fact, the only writer on these forums who's managed to do it successfully is Saii, with his War of the Gods and the Tale of Folis and Salia. Even Tumaros and I - both of whom have been Heads of Storylines before - have never been able to do it. Tumaros chose the personal narrative style, with his story of the Great War and I chose the historical account style, with my Tales of Irilion. It's up to you which one you pick, but don't try to merge the two until you've gained a whole lot more skill (and patience). :confused:

Edited by Lyanna

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This story is a lot better than your last one, so good job on improvement! All of the things Lyanna pointed out are true though. Don't get frustrated, it really does take a long while to get the hang of and a good understanding of how to write properly. It's a skill that needs to be developed, just like anything else.

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OK then ty...I was trying to make it short enough so I summarized it at the last part...I'll try again with something diffrent.

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