My introduction.

[glontol2]

Hope you like it...

 

What kind of a name is glontol2? Well it was the first thing that came to his mind when he woke suddenly in Isla Prima. He had no idea the adventures that would soon unfold...

 

Glontol2 walked on through the grassy forest. He saw a wood-sprite, and because of its small size, though he would attack. So he marched of through the clumps of grass towards it.

 

When he started fighting he was surprised. This was no ordinary creature. Despite its size this little creature was winning, as if it were stronger then a wolf. So, amazed, he ran through the woods. He tripped on a rock and landed smack on the hard ground by a roaring fire.

 

“Who on Draia are you?” A muscular Elf asked. Glontol2 replied, “I’m not sure myself”. He found himself lifted up by strong hands. Again the Elf spoke, “Ah, I see. You’re another one of those Enternals.”

 

“Eternal? What on… what is this place called again? Draia? Anyway, what is an Eternal?” Glontol2 could hardly keep in his excitement at finding a new world.

 

“You see… What’s your name again by the way?” asked the Elf. “Glontol2” he said.

“Ah… Well Glontol2, you are another one of the people who have popped up on Isla Prima. Your kind can not die, and can escape the Underworld. You have been chosen to fight the Undying Enemy. Become rich, strong, and have a good time. These are the lands of Draia! The Eternal Lands!!”

 

Glontol2, beyond excitement now, leaped up and ran off to start his training. He found the Tutorial NPC and a ghost of some sort. After talking with them he felt reborn. Now he could fight. Now he could build. Now, he was an Eternal!

 

 

 

Well?

Edited March 18, 2007 by glontol2

[Sistema]

A few things you need to keep in mind when writing:

 

I'd suggest not using names which contain numbers in them. You don't see Legolas_21 in novels, do you? ^^

I used to be "sisteMa`", and changed to "Sistema" because of this.

 

Stories need to be exciting, full of things that will make the reader think "Wow, what's going to happen next?!". Each story has to be unique and interesting, it's up to you to make it that way.

 

Other than that, I think you can (and should) try to expand a little more. More detail is a must! What race is Glontol from? What color hair/eyes/skin does he have? You'll have to picture Isla Prima also, image out what Glontol sees in his surroundings.

Look out for punctuation too. You should be able to do it

 

- Sistema Silverwish.

Edited March 18, 2007 by Sistema

[glontol2]

Ok, thanks! Ill try to work on that a bit.. and thanks again for responding... been waiting forever for someone to write something lol.

[LaNora]

I think it's a good start, you have good potential, I definitely agree with Sistema on the numbers in names, try reading it aloud and you will be able to hear how others are reading it.

 

and I also agree with putting more details in the story also, don't worry about being 'too wordy' lol.

 

Anyways, great start and Welcome to EL and the forums

[glontol2]

Does that mean i can start writing storys on such? Thanks!

[Roja]

I think Sistema gave you a good summary You can't use numbers in names, and the story does need a lot more detail to be more like a story.

 

been waiting forever for someone to write something lol.

 

You've been waiting for 2 hours...please, have patience around here

[Acelon]

Does that mean i can start writing storys on such? Thanks!

 

 

Not until Roja says you can

[glontol2]

Ok, sorry I am kind of impatient. So.. Do I have to write another one? If I must I can. Just wanted to get started on something bigger lol.

[Roja]

Well what you have written isn't much of a story at all. You really have to put time and effort into it. Check out the Official story section and read what is written there so you can see what kind of quality we're looking for.

[glontol2]

Oh very well. I didnt want to have to spend too much time on Introduction but if I must I will. It wont take more then a few days.

[glontol2]

Ok this is only the first part. I guess im a little faster then I thought.

 

There is a land, where nothing dies. It is a magical world full of strange creatures and animals. People can speak telepathically with “channels.” There are various guilds in which people work together.

 

 

In this land you choose your race. Then you train and fight the forces of evil until you are too old. That is the way of Draia.

 

People appear out of thin area on Isla Prima, which is full of weak monsters and animals for beginners. No one is sure why, but when ever someone new appears in the world or someone escapes from the Underworld, they always appear here.

 

That is how my story begins. I was once a young human with bright red hair and a blue shirt. I listened to stories from the elderly and at bars. I had always dreamed of becoming an adventurer.

 

Then one day, a Dwarf named Chuny walked up to the gathering fire we called “The Beam.” He had a bright scar running from his eye to his mouth.

 

He asked us in a gruff voice who was in charge. I told him our leader was out at the moment. He said he would wait. While we waited he talked to us about his adventures in a land called White Stone.

 

I was naturally intrigued at this. All I had ever known all my life was Isla Prima. “How did you get here then?” I asked. “Why, the boat of course.” Replied the dwarf. I looked at the direction he was pointing and saw, surprised, a large ship.

 

It was beautiful with all sorts of designs and carvings. Then suddenly our leader, a tall Elf named Ganduwen, appeared out of no where.

 

Shortly after he appeared Chuny walked up to him and embraced him with a hug. My entire group was shocked. How did they know each other? We were about to find out.

As soon as they had let go, Ganduwen told us that they had met in a land called Desert Pines.

 

“Where is this desert?” I asked. Then my leader told me people use this boat to travel all around the world. I demanded he show me these places. So we walked up to the boat and he told me to get on board.

 

“Who runs the ship?” I asked. Chuny told me there was no crew. We entered the boat,

Curious what would happen. The next thing we knew we were standing on a dock in a place we had never seen before.

 

This brings us to where I am now. As we stepped off the ship my band noticed a strange creature slithering on the ground. “It is called a snake” said Chuny. We walked on, noticing many such strange things.

End of Part I

[glontol2]

Not long after getting off the boat we crossed a bridge. On the other side lay a beautiful town pulsing with life and happiness. There were various shops and people all around. And all the different races made my head spin!

 

After buying some things in the town, Chuny took us to a bright glittering light. He told us to step in it, and we did. As soon as we touched the light, we were zooming on our way over the land. We lost consciousness as soon as we had started moving through the air.

 

When we woke, we were in front of a vast city. “This,” the dwarf said, “Is White Stone City!” I passed through the gate, on the tips of my toes. “It is quiet…” I said. “Too quiet..”

 

The next thing I knew a strange green creature was rushing at me, sword in hand!

 

“Get out of the way!” Shouted Ganduwen. He threw himself in front of me and took the blow.

 

“Nooo!!!” shouted Chuny. He threw himself at the creature and started shooting blows with his mighty axe. Before long, the creature was dead. “That (smeg) orc killed my only friend!” cried Chuny.

 

I asked him what was going on and he said we were being invaded. So I helped the weeping dwarf slay the rest of the orcs. They were surprisingly strong.

 

When we defeated the last orc Chuny turned to me. “I am getting to old for this.” He whispered. “I cant keep up fighting this Undying evil. You must take up this honor for yourself. Take my axe, have adventures. You are young, you are strong, You are an Eternal!”

 

So I set off on my journey. I don’t know if I have even made a dent in the enemies numbers. But I do know this. If any orc, ghost, or demon threatens this beautiful world,

They will have to answer to my sword!

 

What is my name? You might ask. Glontol. If you ever see me, I will be wearing my glittering titanium armor and broad steel sword. For I, am an Eternal, destined to explore these, Eternal Lands!

 

 

Ok is that a little better? Tell me if I can write real stories now, lol.

[Lyanna]

I'm a bit confused by your use of weaponry in the story. Why is Chuny "shooting" his axe? And if Chuny retired and gave you his axe, why are you facing and challenging people with your steel sword instead of Chuny's axe?

 

Yes, I know it's probably because in the game, all you have is a steel broad rather than an axe, but still... a story can go two ways. Either write one about your character that ignores what you have/are now in the interests of making a good story, or write one that explains what you have/are now in the interests of being a good role-player. Both are equally valid. But writing an explanation that is sort of half-half generally doesn't do as well.

 

You don't need to be so impatient to write "real" stories for EL. In essence, this IS your first "real" story - the story of your character. You have to show your ability to write stories with the one thing that you, above all others, should know best... yourself.

 

-Lyn-

Edited March 18, 2007 by Lyanna

[glontol2]

Ok, sorry lol. I was choosing between sending blows and shooting blows. Sorry if i confused you there. And in the story he dosnt really keep the axe ,he gets a better weapon like a steel sword lol. Thansk for info.

[glontol2]

so... can I write then? Havent gotten replie in a whole day! Oh boohoo! lol.

[Acelon]

My personal opinion:

 

You don't have the patience, nor do I think you have a good enough grasp on pacing yourself and linguistics.

 

Sorry

[glontol2]

dude........... Fine. If you want me to spend days and days and weeks and weeks and years and years for an "introduction" so be it. I thought you'd rather me spend my time on a real story

[scullsyk]

I think he is decent, but could do better

[Acelon]

I think he is decent, but could do better

 

Yes, decent. He could write nice fanfiction, but IMO, not a storyline guy

[Lyanna]

There are three things a story can focus around that are important to all stories: Character, Plot and Theme. Strong characters make people care about the story, good plotting makes people want to continue reading the story, and strong themes makes people think about and remember the story long after they finish it. A good story writer must show skill in at least two, and preferably all three, of these.

 

You've got some basic ability at plotting (most people do), but no theme. This "introduction" story is testing you on your characterization skills. How well are you able to show us who the character of glontol is, and why he acts the way he does? If you're unable to write a good character, it's very difficult to write a good story. That's why you need to work on your introduction.

 

-Lyn-

 

EDIT: Arguably, Setting (descriptions of places and people) is a fourth factor that makes a good story writer. However, I don't really count it as high as the first three, although it IS also important. But that could be due to personal preference. Some people like strong settings (like Sistema), other people (like me) can exist without them.

Edited March 20, 2007 by Lyanna

[glontol2]

1. They you so much Lyanna, your advice really helped. I will try to do more of those things this time. Still working on making more "lovable" charecters lol.

 

 

2. Can someone please tell me how to quote? I really just dont know how.... Thanks, Glontol.

[Terrorgrim]

Imo, I think it's a fair attempt at a rushed work. I agree with pretty much each of the suggestions put forward to you above but would just like to add one grievance. What is your characters drive?

Is there an underlying message of sorts? What is the overall theme of the story? The one for my character for example is redemption and self-discovery.

The plot needs to have a focus, the story needs to take the reader along on the journey. Jumping from one plot point to another will alienate your reader.

 

I think all in all, with some thought behind it, it can be a decent character into. Welcome to EL!

Edited March 21, 2007 by Terrorgrim

[glontol2]

Thank you all so much. I have thought about what you all said and have edited, revised, added to, and read over this story several times..I think this one might make it.

I have read all your storys that made it and i am very impressed. I dont know if i will ever be as good... but then again im only 13 . Well... here goes!

 

 

The Lone Warrior

My name is not important. Actions speak louder then words.

 

I have never known much about myself and have always been driving to find out more of my past. I am strong and quick tempered and always ready for a fight. But soon, my life was about to change.

 

One day I was some how transported to a strange island. At first I was angry, killing all the creatures and demolishing farms and crops I saw there. Then the people rebelled and hunted me down. I was a prisoner until one day; a fair maiden came to rescue me. I did not know her at all.

 

She persuaded the guards to let me go. As we walked on through the forest she told me to be silent. So I obeyed. Finely after what seemed like an eternity, we arrived at a large ship on a dock. I had never been here before.

 

When we road the ship, in no time at all we arrived at a fast new land. She said it was called White Stone. We traveled on and on through the woodland. Passing many creatures like White Rabbits and Pumas. Then she told me to stop at nightfall.

 

So we set up camp. I asked her what her name was but she did not reply. I fell asleep shortly afterward. When I woke it was sunrise and she was no where to be found. I panicked and ran about in search of the fair maiden.

 

As I searched I found an old city. It lay in ruins all around me. I walked on and found 6 large pillars of stone each with an angel beside it. Curious I inspected it some more and found a statue of a horse with wings. There was a great glowing light radiating in front of it.

 

I felt as if it would take me somewhere. But I could not find any way “in” so to speak. Frustrated I fell asleep hoping things would be clearer in the morning.

 

When I woke up this time the beautiful maiden was standing watching me. “So you pursued me?” She asked, her voice loud and powerful. I started to stutter, “Y-yes, w-who are y-you? Why am I so a-attracted to you?”

 

She laughed and said, “All beings are attracted to me, for I am the goddess of Light, Defense, Life, Truth, and Love. I summoned you here as I do to all promising warriors-”

 

“But what for? What are we supposed to do?” I interrupted. Smiling she continued, “I need you to uphold the greatest task in this world. Monsters are raging all around this world killing countless innocents. You must bring an end to this. Find a way to defeat the monsters once and for all.”

 

She cast a spell and suddenly I found myself wearing glittering armor. A great sword in one hand and a large shield in my other. “Now go, and fight. You cannot die for you are an eternal; deathless. Just as they are. And all in these, Eternal Lands.”

 

So I journeyed from that desolate land with one task in mind: Kill Monsters. It seemed like the only way of life from now on. Food lost its taste, all fun of my life seemed to seep away. All I could concentrate on was my one goal.

 

I fought hard. One day I died, fighting a skeleton, and found myself in a hellish place. There was lava all around me and I found half my items were gone. In a rage I ran through that place looking for a way out.

 

Before long I found a great portal. As I stepped through it I found my self back on the island that the goddess had saved me from. When I stepped out, I was greeted by an Elf. I didn’t catch her name. She asked me if I was sent by Aluwen too.

 

“Who is Aluwen?” I asked. “She is the goddess in the temple who sends adventurers on the Great Task.” I nodded.

 

“Then we should join forces! I have a guild fully armed and ready to fight!” She said, excited. I asked her what a guild was and she laughed. “A guild is a team of people who are very strong. We go about doing the god’s will.

 

This sounded too good to me to be true. I always thought this quest was mine alone. But it seems others were sent too. I agreed heartily and we walked off to the ship. From then on my life was better then ever.

 

As I said earlier, names are not important. Actions are greater then words. That is why I shape and carve my destiny and history by getting stronger and combating the Evil Ones. It is what I do, I am an Eternal.

[glontol2]

Ok just waitin for someone to comment and critisize Cant wait to start writing some of those storys you outlined

[Roja]

Hi Glontol, this story is pretty good if you're only 13!

I will be honest with you though, it's not quite up to the quality we need for the official storylines.

Some advice for you is to just keep practicing, keep writing. The more you write the more you'll get better! But more importantly, if you want to be a good writer you NEED to read a lot. Because reading is how you learn. You observe what other authors do and how they write.

Some great books that I love are the DragonLance series. If you want to try them, get the Chronicles trilogy first.

 

But feel free to keep writing and posting your stories here. I'll read them and give you critiques, and i'm sure others will as well Oh and you can also practice by writing in the RolePlaying forum!