Conavar

[conavar]

Conavar sat upon a log. The bark of the tree he lent against felt rough on his back. The rain had all but stopped; now it was just a faint mist giving the forest around him a glistening sheen. If he believed in the Gods he would have prayed to them now, in this moment of stillness and reflection, but any faith he once had was lost, snatched from him like a toy from a child. His mind raced back in time, past the years of training body and soul, past the sadness and despair back to the only time he had been truly happy, back to the face of Amy.

 

He had been but a simple farmer then. Content to tend his crops in the summer, and share stories and jokes with neighbours around the tavern fire come winter.

Then his life changed on a warm sunny day. During the mid-summer festival he had seen her, standing out from the crowd like a beacon of light, more beautiful than the sun upon a winters morning, her long dark hair framing her pale elfin face. They had danced that night under the summer’s moon. Within a month there were married, so in love and happy. Within a year she was dead, taken by the plague that ravaged the countryside.

" She is in Gods care now, "The priest had said as he had cast the flaming torch upon her pyre, Conavar had tried to burst through the crowd, to sweep her frail form from the flames. As friends and neighbours held him back; his faith had left him with the words he screamed and would never forget “IN GODS CARE... IF THE GODS CARED SHE WOULD STILL BE BY MY SIDE ".

 

The cry of a distant wolf brought him back to the present. The tears on his face lost amongst the rain, Conavar threw a branch upon the fire; which cast a golden glow amongst the darkened trees, they would be here soon he knew that, the fire would attract them like moths to a flame.

 

Who they were he did not know, but they had trailed him ever since he had entered the forest that very morning. They were no woodsman or elves, for he had spotted them easily amongst the trees.

He smiled wryly more than likely wolfs heads; outlaws looking for a quick kill and easy gold.

While not the strongest amongst his peers, Conavar had been duty bound as a member of the Dragon Council to train both his arm and mind in martial skills. Confident in his abilities he knew they would not find him the easy mark they craved.

 

Time was short, he needed to prepare; he laid his staff beside him within easy reach. Its knarled and old wood darkened by age, so much power within something so simple.

He pulled open his cloak, and reached into its many hidden pockets; removing two velvet pouches one white, one black he laid them upon separate knees.

Opening the strings on the white pouch he removed five of its contents, Five pebble sized stones that shone with the colours and brightness of a rainbow. As they lay upon his palm, he felt there calming influence radiate up his arm and over his body.

From the second pouch he removed three stones; dark and as black as night they were, while the other had calmed him these felt like leeches upon his hand ,moving, searching, trying to drain his body and spirit.

 

He cupped his hands together letting the eight stones mingle and touch. Eyes closed he recited the ancient spell " Ath Ether Lith Arien " he felt the stones grow warm upon his flesh, " Dagor Caran El-Breth "

the heat grew stronger burning his palms, threatening to break his concentration, but he knew the magic needed his pain, and his training fared him well and strengthened his mind, "Firin-Coire Doreth-Uial "upon the final word the pain flared then stopped.

He opened his hands. Where once eight stones had sat now there was only one, a swirling mass of lightness and dark, colour and blackness.

He clenched his fist tightly over the stone...... He was ready

 

 

Notes:

 

I tried to keep the story as confined as possible and still try to explain some of the character .I didn’t want to try and explain all the attributes in such a short story because I found it became a jumble of ideas. so i tried to concentrate of a few i.e. : godless ,att/def magic and still keep the story on track.

First story I have written since school alllll the years ago ( 13 ) so all comments are welcome whether good or bad.

Edited January 30, 2007 by conavar

[Roja]

This is good Conavar!

 

What I would like for you to do is to edit the story for grammar errors, mainly punctuation based..you need more comma's, you have run on sentences, no spaces after them or periods...stuff like that. Also, get a spell checker

[conavar]

no problem

 

comment on the spell checker thats a valid point but also remember the differance in spellings

 

ie: being English i write colour/neighbours while Americans write color /neighbors

 

but thanks for your comments

 

(note: spell checker )

 

And periods equal full stops ? am i correct . < fullstop

 

Edit: quickly ran it through spell check ( omg I am thick )

Edited January 30, 2007 by conavar

[Roja]

Put the space AFTER the comma, and after the period, still a few there I see

 

Run on sentence example:

"Conavar sat upon a log the bark of the tree he lent against rough on his back, the rain had all but stopped,

now it was just a faint mist giving the forest around him a glistening sheen."

 

Rewrite to:

Conavar sat down upon a log. The bark of the tree he leaned against felt rough against his back. The rain had all but stopped; now it was just a faint mist giving the forest around him a glistening sheen.

 

*note, I'm not that great in grammar and editing, so I may also make mistakes, but this sentence rewrite flows a lot better.

[conavar]

 

*note, I'm not that great in grammar and editing, so I may also make mistakes, but this sentence rewrite flows a lot better.

 

Excuse me if your thought I was being funny I wasnt and I appologize for any mistake

 

On a side note as I have said a differance in spellings between UK and USA most notably colour/neighbours and color/neighbors . Now being microsoft my spell check is American would you prefer spellings in American ?

[Roja]

That doesn't matter, I wasn't picking on any English spellings of words..just general typos

[conavar]

That doesn't matter, I wasn't picking on any English spellings of words..just general typos

 

 

ok

 

Ive printed a copy off, so I will sort ( to the best of my abilities ) the grammar and punctuation tomorrow

 

 

thanks for the comments helped alot

[jhlightning]

That was nice Hope you can write a "sequel"

[conavar]

Ok Edited the Story to the best of my ability but I have read it that many times now I proberly cant see the woods for the tree's .

Hope It reads a little better

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanx lightning

[Roja]

"The bark of the tree he lent against rough on his back"

 

You need a verb inbetween those 2 words. Felt, as I suggested would work, or was.

 

" If he believed in the Gods he would have prayed to them now; in this moment of stillness and reflection, but any faith he once had was lost, snatched from him like a toy from a child."

 

-Gods should not be capitalized, it should be lower case.

-That's not the correct use of a semicolon. You would just use a comma there.

 

"Then his life changed a warm sunny day"

 

This is incorrect here. Instead: one warm sunny day, on a warm sunny day.

 

 

Just did a few corrections here..i'm sure there's more, but i'm also not the best editor. Maybe Philaburn can help out? He's really good with this.

[conavar]

Edited the parts you pointed out and like you said more than likely more, and can totaly understand now why editing/proof reading is normaly done by someone other than the author.To me having read it so many times it reads ok but to an outside mind they will find the mistakes a lot easier . Myself I cant see them for looking at them now . To get it spot on it needs an outside influence to pick up little mistake I have missed ( and there will be some because Im not perfect )

 

Edit: Ran it through spell checker again and it picked up a few more grammatical errors these have been changed .

Edited January 30, 2007 by conavar

[PhilDaBurn]

Hi Conavar - Take a look at these changes and see if it flows a little better.

 

-----------------------------------

 

Conavar sat upon a log. The bark of the tree he leant against felt rough on his back. The rain had all but stopped fading to just a faint mist giving the forest around him a glistening sheen. If he still believed in the Gods, he would have prayed to them now, thanking them for this moment of stillness and reflection, but any faith he once had was lost, stolen from him like a toy from a child. Instead, his mind raced back in time, before the years of training his body and soul, before the sadness and despair - back to the only time he had been truly happy, back to the face of Amy.

 

He had been but a simple farmer then, content tending his crops in the summer and sharing stories and jokes with neighbours around the tavern fire each winter. But on a warm sunny day, his life had changed completely.

 

During the mid-summer festival he had been drawn to her, standing out from the crowd like a shining beacon of light, more beautiful than the sun upon a winter's morning. With her long, dark hair framing her pale elfin face, they had danced that night away under the summer’s moon. Within a month they were married. They were so in love and happy. Within a year, she was dead - taken from him by a plague that had ravaged the entire countryside.

 

"She is in God's care now," the priest had said as he cast the flaming torch upon her pyre. Conavar had tried to burst through the crowd, to sweep her frail form from the flames, but friends and neighbours, recognizing his grief, held him back. And in that moment, his faith had left him. “IN GOD'S CARE... IF THE GODS CARED SHE WOULD STILL BE BY MY SIDE!" he screamed and in so doing, carved those words forever into his memory.

 

The cry of a distant wolf brought him back to the present. His tears were lost once more among the falling rain drops covering his face. Conavar tossed a branch upon the fire, casting a golden glow among the darkened trees. They would be here soon, he knew. The fire would attract them like moths to a flame.

 

Who they were he did not know, but they had trailed him ever since he had entered the forest that very morning. They were no woodsmen or elves, for he had spotted them easily between the trees.

He smiled wryly. More than likely, they were wolves heads - outlaws - looking for a quick kill and easy gold.

While not the strongest of his peers, Conavar had been duty bound as a member of the Dragon Council to train both his body and mind in martial skills. Confident in his abilities, he knew they would not find him the easy mark they craved.

 

But, time was short and he needed to prepare. He laid his staff beside him within easy reach - its knarled wood darkened by time and use, so much power within something so simple. He pulled open his cloak, and reached into its many hidden pockets. Removing two velvet pouches - one white, one black - he laid them upon separate knees. Opening the strings on the white pouch he removed five of its contents. Five pebble-sized stones that shone with the colours and brightness of a rainbow. As they lay upon his palm, he felt their calming influence radiate up his arm and over his body. From the second pouch, he removed three stones; dark and as black as night they were. While the other stones had calmed him, these felt like leeches upon his hand - moving, searching, trying to drain his body and spirit.

 

He cupped his hands together letting the eight stones mingle and touch. Eyes closed he recited the ancient spell.

 

"Ath Ether Lith Arien".

 

He felt the stones grow warm upon his flesh.

 

"Dagor Caran El-Breth".

 

The heat grew stronger, burning his palms and threatening to break his concentration, but he knew the magic needed his pain. His training fared him well and strengthened his mind.

 

"Firin-Coire Doreth-Uial".

 

Upon the final word, the pain suddenly flared then stopped altogether.

 

He opened his hands. Where once eight stones had been, now there was only one, a swirling mass of lightness and dark, a writhing rainbow and blackness. He clenched his fist tightly over the stone...... He was ready!

 

 

--------------------------------------

 

What a great short story - reminiscent of the lady and the tiger - which door will he choose? In your story, what happened next? what is this stone? what does it do? what were the original stones? All great questions that come to the reader's mind and part of what makes this story so very interesting. Well done.

 

I've taken a few liberties with your original text hoping to make it easier to read. I hope you like the suggestions.

[conavar]

Hi Conavar - Take a look at these changes and see if it flows a little better.

 

-----------------------------------

 

Conavar sat upon a log. The bark of the tree he leant against felt rough on his back. The rain had all but stopped, fading to just a faint mist giving the forest around him a glistening sheen. If he still believed in the Gods, he would have prayed to them now, thanking them for this moment of stillness and reflection, but any faith he once had was lost, stolen from him like a toy from a child. Instead, his mind raced back in time, before the years of training his body and soul, before the sadness and despair - back to the only time he had been truly happy, back to the face of Amy.

 

He had been but a simple farmer then, content tending his crops in the summer and sharing stories and jokes with neighbours around the tavern fire each winter. But on a warm sunny day, his life had changed completely.

 

During the mid-summer festival he had been drawn to her, standing out from the crowd like a shining beacon of light, more beautiful than the sun upon a winter's morning. With her long, dark hair framing her pale elfin face, they had danced that night away under the summer’s moon. Within a month they were married. They were so in love and happy. Within a year, she was dead - taken from him by a plague that had ravaged the entire countryside.

 

"She is in God's care now," the priest had said as he cast the flaming torch upon her pyre. Conavar had tried to burst through the crowd, to sweep her frail form from the flames, but friends and neighbours, recognizing his grief, held him back. And in that moment, his faith had left him. “IN GOD'S CARE... IF THE GODS CARED SHE WOULD STILL BE BY MY SIDE!" he screamed and in so doing, carved those words forever into his memory.

 

The cry of a distant wolf brought him back to the present. His tears were lost once more among the falling rain drops covering his face. Conavar tossed a branch upon the fire, casting a golden glow among the darkened trees. They would be here soon, he knew. The fire would attract them like moths to a flame.

 

Who they were he did not know, but they had trailed him ever since he had entered the forest that very morning. They were no woodsmen or elves, for he had spotted them easily between the trees.

He smiled wryly. More than likely, they were wolves heads - outlaws - looking for a quick kill and easy gold.

While not the strongest of his peers, Conavar had been duty bound as a member of the Dragon Council to train both his body and mind in martial skills. Confident in his abilities, he knew they would not find him the easy mark they craved.

 

But, time was short and he needed to prepare. He laid his staff beside him within easy reach - its knarled wood darkened by time and use, so much power within something so simple. He pulled open his cloak, and reached into its many hidden pockets. Removing two velvet pouches - one white, one black - he laid them upon separate knees. Opening the strings on the white pouch he removed five of its contents. Five pebble-sized stones that shone with the colours and brightness of a rainbow. As they lay upon his palm, he felt their calming influence radiate up his arm and over his body. From the second pouch, he removed three stones; dark and as black as night they were. While the other stones had calmed him, these felt like leeches upon his hand - moving, searching, trying to drain his body and spirit.

 

He cupped his hands together letting the eight stones mingle and touch. Eyes closed he recited the ancient spell.

 

"Ath Ether Lith Arien".

 

He felt the stones grow warm upon his flesh.

 

"Dagor Caran El-Breth".

 

The heat grew stronger, burning his palms and threatening to break his concentration, but he knew the magic needed his pain. His training fared him well and strengthened his mind.

 

"Firin-Coire Doreth-Uial".

 

Upon the final word, the pain suddenly flared then stopped altogether.

 

He opened his hands. Where once eight stones had been, now there was only one, a swirling mass of lightness and dark, a writhing rainbow and blackness. He clenched his fist tightly over the stone...... He was ready!

 

 

--------------------------------------

 

What a great short story - reminiscent of the lady and the tiger - which door will he choose? In your story, what happened next? what is this stone? what does it do? what were the original stones? All great questions that come to the reader's mind and part of what makes this story so very interesting. Well done.

 

I've taken a few liberties with your original text hoping to make it easier to read. I hope you like the suggestions.

 

 

I've taken a few liberties with your original text hoping to make it easier to read

 

That is fine.The story was just an example of how I can write,It was not perfect by any means and any suggestions that help the story flow etc are always welcome.If I write a story and people edit it to be better then fine ,Its about a good story not about me lol.

 

Theres a few things that maybe I wouldnt have changed in the way you have but thats just down to the odd word here and there but thats personel preferance: The only one I defiantly wouldnt change is :

 

thanking them for this moment of stillness and reflection

 

for no reason apart from that in my mind he would have prayed to the God because of what was going to happen ( outlaws ) not for the stillness.

 

The stones : I took a few liberties with the EL world >The stones are 5 health essences and 3 Death and when combined together make a HARM spell .

I didnt just want to write " He cast's a harm spell " I tried to visually interpret it. hope it worked

 

Thanx for the help .

I know im not perfect at this so any help is appreciated Thankyou.

[Roja]

 

The stones : I took a few liberties with the EL world >The stones are 5 health essences and 3 Death and when combined together make a HARM spell .

I didnt just want to write " He cast's a harm spell " I tried to visually interpret it. hope it worked

 

Thanx for the help .

I know im not perfect at this so any help is appreciated Thankyou.

 

You should probably have said essences then, that would make more sense, plus it's better to have more relational objects present in your story, so the story is more easily viewed as being from EL.

 

 

Also, you only capitalize the word god if you are talking about a specific god. You don't capitalize "the god" or "a god", or "gods". God in the Bible is capitalized because the word is specific. The capitalization for the gods in EL comes in their actual names.

[conavar]

 

The stones : I took a few liberties with the EL world >The stones are 5 health essences and 3 Death and when combined together make a HARM spell .

I didnt just want to write " He cast's a harm spell " I tried to visually interpret it. hope it worked

 

Thanx for the help .

I know im not perfect at this so any help is appreciated Thankyou.

 

You should probably have said essences then, that would make more sense, plus it's better to have more relational objects present in your story, so the story is more easily viewed as being from EL.

 

 

 

Point taken just me trying to make it more interesting than just " he take's out 5 health and 3 death essences to cast a harm spell " <<< maybe me but i think thats lazy story telling .Stories are best in my opinion if u can visualize what is happened rather than just being told. Which is why i took the look of the Essences from the game ( health = rainbow ) and the amount and left the rest to peoples imagination ( I tried to tell the story from the view of what the character would know not what I know as a player ), if that didnt work then im sorry but felt at the time made a better story. but it was my first attempt in 13 years (im old ),you asked for people to submit there work and was only really ment to show what I can write ( not perfect by anymeans i know ).So if its not the type of thing you are looking for then that is fine , I will take the critisism in the way it was ment and say thankyou I learnt a lot

 

Help alot though having someone else read it and add there own lil take on it

 

Edit : Maybe I suffer from trying over complicate the story thats not for me to judge

Edited January 31, 2007 by conavar

[PhilDaBurn]

Conavar,

 

Please accept my apologies for taking a few too many liberties with your story. In your original posting, you wrote, "If he believed in the Gods he would have prayed to them now, in this moment of stillness and reflection, but any faith he once had was lost, snatched from him like a toy from a child." Not being the author of these words, I did not possess your insight. As I read your words, I got stuck here thinking if he still believed, *what* would he have prayed to them about? Since the rain decreased to a mist, I assumed you meant that he would have thanked them for an improvement in the weather and I changed your words to this: "If he still believed in the Gods, he would have prayed to them now, thanking them for this moment of stillness and reflection, but any faith he once had was lost, stolen from him like a toy from a child."

 

You knew, though, that what he really would have thanked them for was this opportunity to face death against these outlaws. But, the reader has, at this point in your story, no knowledge of the outlaws. So, perhaps a foreshadowing of the outlaws could be inserted here to contrast the peacefulness of the moment against the imminent violence that is implied in the story later. How would you insert that?

 

The outlaws in your story are clearly *a* main thread. Conavar's personal crisis - causing him to foresake the gods - is surely more powerful and because of that power, more interesting. In a few short paragraphs, you have laid out the entire life of a man and we, the readers, share his ups and downs as we see those same thoughts and feelings in ourselves.

 

Also, it is clear that at the end of your story, Conavar's story is not finished. We readers do not get to see the outcome of the battle. We do not know if Conavar ever comes to grips with his god crisis and finally allows the memory of Amy to rest in peace. Could the tragedy of her illness and death have been greater? Certainly - especially if at the time of her death she had been pregnant - then the loss is doubled as is the grief.

 

From other comments you've written since I first posted, I get the feeling that you've given up on this story. I hope that is not the case.

 

You've got talent and I would like to see more.

 

Please don't give up on the Conavar story.

 

Regards,

PhilDaBurn

Edited February 1, 2007 by PhilDaBurn

[conavar]

Like I mentioned in my original reply to your editing .You havent taken to many liberties in anyway. It all about THE story being better not MY story. If i wasnt open to change and critisism then i never would have posted the story in the first place. As long as any comments are constructive ( which they all have been thanx again) then it is fine

 

How to explain what im trying say ermm

 

Im not someone who take his story/work and treats it like a baby ,wrapped in cotton wool to keep it safe from outside influences.Its there to be made better by who ever can .so I take the critisism in the good way it was ment.

Have I given up on the story, no I havent but I cant see how myself can make this part of the story any better.

 

Maybe its myself who takes a few liberties with what I know as the writer and what I want the reader to know .As see you point about the outlaws and praying but to me what he would have prayed about was not important it was why he didnt if that makes sense

 

The outlaws could be classed as THE main thread but I see it as Conavar himself is the main thread ( Roja ask for storys about our characters as examples , so I tried to keep it firmly based on the man and not get jumbled trying to explain all his abilities, skills etc in one short story ).

 

Your Help and comments have been greatly appreciated Phil so thankyou

[Roja]

Actually I think you are quite a good writer and would like to see you help us with the storylines

In a few days I will post a list of a few stories we need to be written that you can choose from.

 

I think it's very important for the reader to be able to visualize things, but just saying essences instead of stones would help to put the story more in the EL world as I stated. What you had written there about them was fine, but it's important to integrate in the world as well.

[conavar]

.

 

I think it's very important for the reader to be able to visualize things, but just saying essences instead of stones would help to put the story more in the EL world as I stated. What you had written there about them was fine, but it's important to integrate in the world as well.

 

Totally understand . I wrote the story as someone who has played the game for over a year ,forgetting that the stories might be read by people who have only just or never played.I took it for granted being on the EL forum ppl would understand

 

I would like that thankyou and if its possible and time permitting I would like to continue the story of my character as well