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Zelse

The Death Bag

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As I make my way through the Underworld map

all in a hurry with no other worries

except for my bag with the items I once had

I hope that no one takes it away.

 

I hurry through the exit

the portal to Isla Prima

all in a hurry with no other worries

not for my health

not for the heal towards my health

 

Just strait to my bag

to the docks!

hurry!

we must go as fast as the clock tocks

all in a hurry with no other worries

 

With a hopeful check on the channels

I read to discover

if my bag has been recovered

all in a hurry with no other worries

to get back my bag

 

Oh how close I am

to where I made that final stand

please let my bag be there

for I came in a hurry

with no other worries

 

As I hurry with no other worries

to my bag

to get back what I had

I begin to ponder

what will be of my bag...

 

Oh what a drag

I could lose my death bag

it could disappear any minute

but I hope I get there before the twelfth minute

but if not

at least I gave it a shot

 

Oh what a drag

I could lose my death bag

it could be bagjumped!

Oh my little bag

it could be had

but when I get there

will my bag be...ransacked?

 

Could a bagjumper with the title of newbie

obtain my bag with the items I once had?

not all could be lost

for a newbie cannot carry all that stuff

nor would he know of his wrongdoings

for taking my bag with the items I once had

 

Hopefully a Bagjumper did not take my bag

newbies are understandable

but there are others who want my valuables

 

Their are Bagjumpers who steal

taking the full deal

leaving nothing at all

except for a small taw-taw

 

But we cannot forget the most unpleasant of all

Those Bagjumpers who enjoy taking all

leaving only a bone

thats not even mine own

Ohh why did I forget the Rostogol Stone?

 

Yet I cannot forget

nor fail to neglect

those helpful bagsavers

who perform big favors

by giving us our bag

with all the items we had

 

Only one probability left

as I take the last steps

to where I died

leaving my items inside

the little bag

 

The last probability

is the bag sitting there quite tranquilitly

not stirred at all

not by my defeating flaw

not by my enemy

 

Oh be there for me my little bag

hopefully your items will be there

or will they be had?

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Contrary to what others have been saying, I found it rather poor. While the feeling might be there, you shouldn't have tried to make it rhyme when you didn't need to. Some stanzas had rhymes, some didn't, and those that had rhymes had different rhyming schemes instead of a standard one. It spoiled the flow a lot, and it was obvious at times that the readability was severely strained "just to make it rhyme". (probability-tranquilitly? :)) You were trying too hard. Poetry needs to flow naturally. Any attempt to force it just makes it sound mechanical.

 

~Shouja~

Edited by Shouja

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The mechanics were off a bit, but otherwise great poem

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I enjoyed the variety of your stanza's and found nothing forced. I love it when people step outside the lines and are willing to make their own rules when writing.... after all, that's what being a writer is all about.

 

TessAnna

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nice nice... how bout this?

 

The death bag was big

who took it is a pig

i curse on all the channels

people dont see my manners

 

i tell you off fast 'n dirty

dont take that bag

nor try to hurt me

 

i tell this my guild

and that i wanna fight

whoever had the cojones

to steal my precious bones

 

a few mins later a pm like heaven

"i have your bag meet me at raven"

i met with that elf, who has no name

its only the niceness thats always the same!

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i very much like the content of the poem, i think its great :hiya:

you can see that you put much effort in it (to make it rhyme, end etc.), and it gives a good result,

yet i think it would've been even better if you revised and removed some repetitive words (for example the word bag is used alot :happy: )

 

nice job, and i hope to see more of your writings :)

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