Jump to content
Eternal Lands Official Forums
Sign in to follow this  
Sistema

Brothers For Life

Recommended Posts

thnx ais,

 

and roja :D glad to know your enjoying it... well this is the first story we wrote so far... we are still learning a lot and i think your advice will help us a lot with that... so PLZ continue so we can learn :)

 

Hyperion Silverwish of Dra Syn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for sharing that with us. I remember when Sistema showed me the first parts of it and it sounded amazing.(I was Apallis). That was really a great piece of work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Um..Er.. took me a while to get around to read this :)

 

Its a great story. The color coding makes a little hard to follow in my eyes, but I guess its a matter of taste.

 

It stays true to the typical EL lingo, which is fun to read if you are a EL player :icon13:

However, after a while all the "Um..." and "Err..." gets a little overwhelming.

 

This is a fun player-based story and I would put it on my guild page/forums if I was in EG.

 

Good luck writing the next one :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

well as a matter of fact its on the forum... we posted part after part there and kept ppl wanting to read the next one by letting time between the part we posted and the next... and well the erm and uhm thingies are kinda there cause its what the chars say :icon13: if you look at sistema for example he says erm a lot thats why we put it in but maybe a little less would be good :)

 

Hyperion

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

whew..finished!

 

Here's my critique:

 

Ok, first of all when there are many people around you have no clue who is saying what with the colors, and it's too much of a pain to refernce back to the chart that tells you whose color is whose.

You need to write the dialogue properly to make it easier to read.

 

Second, the Err.. and Umm..'s are way overdone. It's ok to put them in in context here and there, but this is a short story and it doesn't sound good placed where you have them.

 

You should try to describe the people better, when a character is introduced. For instance, i had no clue Cindy would be a guy. The name Cindy automatically implies it's a female. Also, is ciny a draegoni? If so, why does he talk so strangely? (oops, ok looks like one of you accidentally typed "him" for cindy for the one story, then "she" in another..so what is cindy? :D)

 

Another instance is when sistema & hyperionare first walking around dra syn they encounter some draegoni that don't speak their language. But, when they see that draegoni female crying over her daughter she understands them..why?

 

One other thing I found strange was that people just seem to be at places for no apparent reason..like when they first go into the Draegoni city where brom, moonshadow, lyanna are there. Why are these people there, who are they, what do they do? They don't have much of a role at all.

 

When they are about to enter the cave, they hear that voice from the sky saying:

Beware mortals, this area is not safe and the cave is even worse, be prepared or die on your way.

 

"and the cave is even worse"..she should sound more god like than that :)

 

Things like this are important to address to make a good story.

 

 

Also, this line at the end: "You do know that the only people who can defeat Mortos are you two."

Is too absolute. We may very well write others who can defeat mortos in his mortal form. Basically that's a big point in the story development that needs to be thought out more..so just take that line out for now.

 

 

 

Overall, it's a fun story and it's cool that you used real players and places, etc., but it really needs more descriptions and work to make it a great written story. There's a lot of blanks of questions that need to be filled in.

Good job though :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ok, first of all when there are many people around you have no clue who is saying what with the colors, and it's too much of a pain to refernce back to the chart that tells you whose color is whose.

You need to write the dialogue properly to make it easier to read.

 

Second, the Err.. and Umm..'s are way overdone. It's ok to put them in in context here and there, but this is a short story and it doesn't sound good placed where you have them.

Noted down. Will fix..

 

You should try to describe the people better, when a character is introduced. For instance, i had no clue Cindy would be a guy. The name Cindy automatically implies it's a female. Also, is ciny a draegoni? If so, why does he talk so strangely? (oops, ok looks like one of you accidentally typed "him" for cindy for the one story, then "she" in another..so what is cindy?)

Cindy is a female, she's suppose to be a dwarf that apparently migrated from Seridia, lol. We needed to write this in the story... And that 'he' is a mistake I couldn't get Hype to fix yet, lol.

 

Another instance is when sistema & hyperionare first walking around dra syn they encounter some draegoni that don't speak their language. But, when they see that draegoni female crying over her daughter she understands them..why?

We were trying to get that foreign feeling inside them, talking behind them/about them, of course draegoni can speak human languages.

 

One other thing I found strange was that people just seem to be at places for no apparent reason..like when they first go into the Draegoni city where brom, moonshadow, lyanna are there. Why are these people there, who are they, what do they do? They don't have much of a role at all.

Well basicly they're short-role characters. We'll be developing them in the *cough* upcoming sequals *cough*...

 

When they are about to enter the cave, they hear that voice from the sky saying:

Beware mortals, this area is not safe and the cave is even worse, be prepared or die on your way.

 

"and the cave is even worse"..she should sound more god like than that

I thought for a few (more than 20) minutes, and I couldn't find anything good for that line >.<

 

Also, this line at the end: "You do know that the only people who can defeat Mortos are you two."

Is too absolute. We may very well write others who can defeat mortos in his mortal form. Basically that's a big point in the story development that needs to be thought out more..so just take that line out for now.

*Giggles*... I think we got too carried away! ^_^

We'll find a way to solve this...

 

 

Well, thanks for reading the story, glad you enjoyed it, it was our first try. We're hoping to get better at it though, and we won't be able to do that without the help of experienced people.

And erm... yeah. We'll try to make the story normal (non colored and fixes etc) when we have the time xD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, well writing a story is the same as making a piece of artwork or music piece..it takes a lot of time sometimes to get it right. So make those changes, additions, keep at it and i'm sure this story will turn out really good :brooding:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

story is currently being rewrited without the colors and stuff.

 

 

 

as far as a sequal goes me and sistema are still discussing it.

 

 

 

thought it was time for an update so here it is :)

 

 

 

Hyperion

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i really loved the story, and enjoyed finding the actual things, like your guys house, the place where you saw the body, all this great stuff, and you guys are GREAT story tellers

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Heh. Thanks. Glad you like it.

 

 

We wrote this story a LONG time ago. I myself can now see a LOT of mistakes we've done. And having learned a lot more about story writing is going to make the story much better now.

 

I'm rewriting the story at the moment, I'm sure it will be much more exciting, and better written :brooding:

Hope you'll like the revised version.

 

 

- Sistema Silverwish.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

so far its about halfly done I think, but I have no Idea if you are still rewriting it brother... I have been away for almost a year if not more.

 

is there any update?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×