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Arnieman

The Art of Gnome Fighting

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In keepiing with the same theme as my book on Grue Fighting, I've now written one on Gnome Fighting (ttlanhil told me to do it. :)).

 

Author's Notes:

Tried to keep to the same theme from before - take a creature from in game, and make a humorous (somewhat?) "fighting" tactic. So I continued with Gnomes. Anyway, here's my work.

 

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The Art of Gnome Fighting – Aedalyn

 

The art of Gnome fighting is a delicate procedure, and not one to be attempted by any but the most skillful of warriors. It is a challenge not for the faint of heart, though many will agree the rewards are more than worth the strain.

 

I have always held that one should know their enemy before they try to do battle. I believe no different for Gnomes. Gnomes are known to be short of stature, semi-pacifistic, and cunning. Gnomes, being short of stature, should not be confused with the slightly taller Dwarves, who are more brutish than cunning.

 

As stated before, gnomes are quite cunning, and use rather uncouth fighting tactics. A favorite tactic of gnomes seems to be the biting of the ankles, which not only is usually a less defendable part, is also quite disabling should the gnome be able to cause any real damage. Other tactics vary widely depending on the terrain offered for battle, so one needs to be quick of both sword and wit if one hopes to dispatch a gnome.

 

How then does one defeat a gnome? You should go into battle equipped with a barrel – a keg of brandy is quite effective, particularly if you also have the brandy. First, you must somehow get the gnome into the barrel – if you leave it alone long enough, the gnome may mistake it for its home. At this point, you must be quick to secure the barrel – using an inferior barrel or failing to seal it properly will allow the gnome to break free, and possibly attack back.

 

Once secured, you want to drill an air hole in the top, which should be about the thickness of a quarterstaff – suffocation really ruins the flavor of gnome meat if you do not. Then, you should fill the barrel nearly full (through the air hole) with a spirit mixed with fresh herbs – brandy and garlic work quite well, but you are free to select your own personal favorite spirit and herbs (some less-cultured individuals are known just to use plain water!). This gives the gnome a chance to self-marinate in the juices, adding flavor to the meat. You should seal the air hole and give the barrel a gentle rolling for about a minute after the adding of juices – gentle is the key, you want to mix in the herbs, but not so as to bruise the meat!

 

At this point, after unplugging the air hole, you will have a gnome marinating, ready to carry until you are ready to dine. After building a suitable fire for roasting, you should sharpen the end of a quarterstaff into a point, drill a second air hole in the bottom of the barrel (allowing any excess juices that pour out to do so, but not trying to drain the barrel just yet), and skewer the gnome while still in the barrel – this is noted as one of the safest ways of doing so. Now, stick the spitted barrel (still sealed) over the fire, and roast until juices start steaming out both ends. Be sure to turn the spit while cooking – this bastes the meat in the remaining juices and roasts the meat thoroughly.

 

Now, you can open the barrel and enjoy the rewards of your hunt. Not only have you learned the secret of gnome fighting, but now you have a meal fit for a warrior!

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Not bad.

 

Just some comments:

I have always held that one should know their enemy before they try to do battle. I believe no different for Gnomes. Gnomes are known to be short of stature, semi-pacifistic, and cunning. Gnomes, being short of stature, should not be confused with the slightly taller Dwarves, who are more brutish than cunning.

 

As stated before, gnomes are quite cunning, and use rather uncouth fighting tactics. A favorite tactic of gnomes seems to be the biting of the ankles, which not only is usually a less defendable part, is also quite disabling should the gnome be able to cause any real damage. Other tactics vary widely depending on the terrain offered for battle, so one needs to be quick of both sword and wit if one hopes to dispatch a gnome.

 

You say cunning _WAY_ too much in these paragraphs. Consider revising.

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Not bad.

 

Just some comments:

You say cunning _WAY_ too much in these paragraphs. Consider revising.

Same thought I had after writing, Placid. Revising.

 

Gotta get out the ol' thesaurus.

Is this How to Fight Gnomes or How to Cook Gnomes?

Both - check my reference link in the first post for the general idea. (This isn't meant to be a serious tactic book for fighting gnomes, and is meant to play into the gnome-roast jokes.)

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I'm so sueing the publisher. The GCRA will be hearing about this.

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Oh, sure, you publish a book on grues, and no one cares. Make one on gnomes, and everyone hates you!

 

Power to the grues, people!

 

#Message from God: Arnieman has just been eaten by a Grue!

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Well hopefully this means the gnomes will no longer chase after Apallis as much....

 

Gnome: This is really a trick to let your gaurd down!

Apallis runs

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