Merrick Report post Posted October 4, 2005 This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle: If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground? And in response, thus spoke the Oracle: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them. "And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device. "One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about minus 190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to temperamental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once all the cats are held in stasis? "I offer a modest proposal: "We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the Laundromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around your ship, which is of course saucer-shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you wish to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. "This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter-force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force." :mellow: ^_^ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Daxon Report post Posted October 4, 2005 The loud humming heard by mostsighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. That was great. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Soldus Report post Posted October 4, 2005 heeheehee :lol: *goes cat hunting...* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aerowind Report post Posted October 7, 2005 That's hilarious, and somehow seems like it'd work Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dunian Report post Posted October 8, 2005 (edited) :lol: Edited October 8, 2005 by Dunian Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
warmastermage Report post Posted October 16, 2005 This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. 205102[/snapback] Experiment with cats? Thats animal cruelty! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ssjgohan Report post Posted October 17, 2005 who cares if its cruel? its funny! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Arnieman Report post Posted October 17, 2005 It might work if you just scrape the butter off, but then who wants to laugh at scraping butter off toast? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites