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Merrick

Theory on Antigravity

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This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:

 

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on

the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from

a window or other high and towering place, it will

land on its feet.

 

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread,

butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out

the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will

the butter splat on the ground?

 

And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:

 

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself

you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The

laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit

the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline

aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its

furry back. If the combined construct were to land,

nature would have no way to resolve this paradox.

Therefore it simply does not fall.

 

That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a

mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of

antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released,

quickly move to a height where the forces of

cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.

This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off

some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some

of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

 

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already

use this principle to drive their ships while within a

planetary system. The loud humming heard by most

sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several

hundred tabbies.

 

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats

manage to eat the bread off their backs they will

instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on

their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much

good, since right after they make their graceful

landing several tons of red-hot starship and

pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.

 

"And now a few words on solving the problem of

creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity

device.

"One could power a ship by means of cats held in

suspended animation (say, about minus 190 degrees

Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs,

thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to

temperamental felines. More importantly, how do you

steer, once all the cats are held in stasis?

"I offer a modest proposal:

"We all know that wearing a white shirt at an

Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip

to the Laundromat.

Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts.

Place four nozzles symmetrically around your ship,

which is of course saucer-shaped. Fire tomato sauce

out in proportion to the directions you wish to go.

The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically

follow the sauce.

"This does not work as well in deep gravity

wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a

black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it,

despite the counter-force of the anti-gravity

cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to

jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create

the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force."

 

:mellow: :D ^_^

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The loud humming heard by most

sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several

hundred tabbies.

 

:D That was great.

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That's hilarious, and somehow seems like it'd work

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:lol:

Edited by Dunian

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This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:

 

 

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself

you should be able to deduce the obvious result. 

205102[/snapback]

 

Experiment with cats? Thats animal cruelty! :angry:

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