Deson Report post Posted May 18, 2005 How to Bath the Cat -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I found to be quite effective. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cat Bathing As A Martial Art Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.) Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Placid Report post Posted May 18, 2005 LMFAO!!!! Caution: Cat's know when they are going towards a bathroom. Furthermore, they KNOW when they are going near a toilet (ever tried putting a cat in a bath?)...They WILL scratch you... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Korhil Report post Posted May 18, 2005 "Thoroughly clean the toilet." From the first line I could see where this was going, which just made me laugh even harder. Funniest thing i've read for a while, great job! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Arnieman Report post Posted May 18, 2005 yeah, not to mention most cats have an aversion to being held... guess it's a good thing I got the self-cleaning models! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hiko_seijuro Report post Posted May 18, 2005 roflmao thats just as good as the "The Horror Of Blimps" thanks deson, keep up the good work Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
glass Report post Posted May 18, 2005 HAHA. I have a cat and and he is outside for the summer but we give him a flea bath when he comes in for the winter and man is it a pain. Thanks for the laugh! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GodKyra Report post Posted May 20, 2005 How to Give A Cat a Pill 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Phone best friend to come over and help. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blowdown drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Get parent to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill: 1) Wrap it in bacon. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LaNora Report post Posted May 20, 2005 lmao, i heard the martial arts one but not the toilet! excellent! and i loved the pill one too! :D Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gilthanas Report post Posted May 23, 2005 I about died from the cat pill one :lol: :lol: :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Entropy Report post Posted May 23, 2005 ROFLMAO! I laughed today as I didn't laugh since I've seen Team America (I knew the pill one, but not the bath one). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rasberrybeard Report post Posted May 23, 2005 This topic offends me.... nuff said. *protects kitty* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Learner Report post Posted May 23, 2005 How to Give A Cat a Pill  How To Give A Dog A Pill: 1) Wrap it in bacon. 163497[/snapback] or 1) Make peanut butter sandwich, place pill in middle. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ttlanhil Report post Posted May 24, 2005 or 1) Make peanut butter sandwich, place pill in middle. 164191[/snapback] put a heap of peanut butter on a peice of bread, and feed it to your dog... many minutes of fun as they lick the top of their mouth! (The dog won't mind, they actually taste the food for a change, and come back for more) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gestion Report post Posted May 24, 2005 WTF happened to that thing??? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ttlanhil Report post Posted May 24, 2005 (edited) WTF happened to that thing??? 164383[/snapback] It's a partly-washed cat Edited May 24, 2005 by ttlanhil Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ttlanhil Report post Posted May 24, 2005 meow. 164363[/snapback] If it goes really bad, you can always do this: yay for disposable razors Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gestion Report post Posted May 24, 2005 hehe lol, looks funny Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alderan Report post Posted May 24, 2005 (edited) how to wash a dog 1) Lock dog in cage (cage should not be more than 1 sqaure foot, otherwise it will be able to avoid the super soaker). 2) get out your super soaker, fill half of the tank with liquid soap, and fill the rest of the way with water. shake the super soaker untill the soap and water are completely mixed. 3) aim super soaker at dog and fire, continue untill tank is empty. 4) put on a gas mask to block out the smell of wet dog. 5) fill a large bucket with clean water, and pour into cage. 6) wait 3 hours for dog to dry 7) after the 3 hours have passed, remove gas mask. 8) tie a string to the gate of the cage, stand behind the cage and pull string. 9) after the dog comes rushing out, quickly lock yourself inside the cage for 3 hours (this should be enough time for the dog to calm down so it wont eat you.) Edited May 24, 2005 by Alderan Share this post Link to post Share on other sites